As many December graduates look for a new place to call home upon completing their stay at LSU, I have a few suggestions where not to go.
Let’s call them the top four places I’m glad I don’t live.
No 1. California — Despite the so-called glamour of Hollywood and whatnot, this place is pretty bizarre. Not only is it the worst place for pedestrians, but tons of kids also keep showing up with unexplained autism. By the California Department of Developmental Services’ numbers, 1998 saw a 273 percent rise is autism in California from 1987. The only explanation is that the development of autism may arise from genetic disposition, but also requires specific environmental factors — and that’s where California fits in. Maybe it’s something in the air. Maybe it’s the same something possessing a California couple to fight in court for the husband’s right to ship his sperm to his wife so they can start a family. Ineligible for conjugal visits with his wife due to a life sentence in prison, I’m sure this guy would make an excellent father figure.
Bartender, I’ll have one of whatever she’s having.
No 2. England — Now this one is half-hearted because it’s on my top 10 places to visit before I die. But something’s not quite right up there. For one, there’s a squirrel attacking the city of Knutsford in Cheschire. Resident Blanche Kellye has been quoted: “Everyone round here is living in fear … it’s a vicious little thing. I’ll never trust squirrels again.” Thusfar, the squirrel has attacked joggers, grown men and children, the latest being toddler Kelsi Morley, who suffered a bite to the forehead.
In other news proving the elevated level of civilization overseas, a London scientist burned his penis with the heat from his laptop. Unfortunately, the instructions manual for the laptop only warned against using the computer on bare skin, and our friend was burned through his “trousers and underpants.” The latest wisdom from the Mother Country: “This … story should be taken as a serious warning against use of a laptop in a literal sense.”
No. 3. South Africa — Again, top 10 places to visit before I die. But nowhere in my roommate’s and my glamorous vacation plans to South Africa have we considered ending up in jail. Good thing since jails in South Africa are now experiencing what they call a “Slow Puncture” technique of punishing unruly inmates. Gang members known to be infected with HIV are made to infect other prisoners. For a niche of the world already suffering from AIDS in epidemic proportions, this derivation of the death penalty is particularly disturbing.
Note to self: stick to yachts and safaris while in South Africa.
No 4. Anywhere Michael Jackson is — Last Thursday onlookers saw something dangling from a hotel window. Four floors up, Jackson dangled his infant son above the bustling city. But don’t worry, he “would never intentionally endanger the lives of my children.”
Definitely can’t blame Berlin for this one, because this guy is weird everywhere he goes.
So choose your post-graduation destination carefully. And my apologies to everyone whose hometown I bashed.