Women serve no purpose in men’s lives during Football season (Football will be capitalized in each reference to stress the importance). With that being said, let me lay down the many reasons why.
There has been an interesting development this year. The Walt Disney Corp. (ABC and ESPN) has given the men of America a televised Football game every night of the week, with Wednesday being the only exception.
The college Football god finally has given men a valid excuse to ignore women, who (as we all know) are the downfall of reason and rational thought.
Every man has been through the situation where the little woman says she will sit down quietly and watch the game with him. But come the middle of the second quarter, he knows it’s coming. The questions start.
“Are you really going to watch the whole game? Why do you even care about two teams from Florida. I don’t like their colors?” Etc, etc, etc…
Enough is enough. I will break down the Football week, day by day, and if I offend any women, it’s OK. I don’t need you until February anyway.
Saturday
This is the first day of the week because this is the sabbath for avid college Football fans. We get to watch our beloved pastime from the time we get up to the time we go to sleep.
Thank the Lord for the whiners in the Pac-10, because now ESPN2 is forced to air two teams from the west coast until the wee hours of the morning. Where are all the women? Who knows. Who cares.
Sunday
Men, this is a great day as well. After church you can rush home in time to catch the last few minutes of “NFL Countdown,” but at noon, the games start.
The NFL Football time schedule is a bit more organized with games at noon, 3 p.m., and 7:15 p.m. And at 6:30 p.m. we can catch “Primetime” on ESPN. We get football for 10 straight hours. I’m happy.
Monday
As working men return to their homes, only a short wait is needed before “Monday Night Countdown” begins, and then of course, Monday Night Football.
There have been only 500 of them. that’s a shame.
Tuesday
This is how much we love Football. ESPN decided to feed our hunger with a Mid-American Conference game on Tuesday nights. I can’t get enough of the high-scoring, no-defense playing teams in the Midwest. Once again, advantage Football.
Don’t you just love it when coaches punch the opposing team’s fans? Can you catch that type of action in a day-time soap? I think not.
Wednesday
This is definitely the saddest day of the week. But that is why the Mellow Mushroom invented “Trivia Night” for all of us who are deprived of our sacred game. The women in our lives are welcome on Wednesdays, but don’t push your luck. We need to spend this time of grieving with our own kind.
Thursday
Give me a good ACC matchup any day before a five-dollar cover in Tigerland. It is much more preferable to sit in a recliner and watch N.C. State’s Phillip Rivers hurl four touchdowns than it is to see women overdress (only to smell like a cigarette at the end of the night), and complain about watching her ex-boyfriend dance with that ugly girl with the fat ankles.
Friday
Once upon a time, Friday nights were considered “Date Night” among men and women. Well, times change. Now, ESPN has fulfilled my most repetitive dream and shows the Western Athletic Conference or the Mountain West game of the week on Friday nights.
I would much rather watch Hawaii’s Jimmy Chang throw the ball 40 yards downfield on every single play than drop 60 bucks to wine and dine a girl and pretend that I care about how rude her best friend was that week. Plus, ESPN shows highlights of the high-school game of the week. The song rings in my ear, “Heaven. I’m in Heaven.”
Plus, she will never understand why you set your alarm for 9:30 a.m. to watch “College Gameday” Saturday mornings.
But fellas, if you find one that will keep her yapper shut throughout the week and watches the games in silence with you, KEEP HER! Because based on my experience, she may be the only one out there.
Listen up women, let us have the months September through January to ourselves with our cherished sport. We will give you some of our time at Christmas, and if your birthday falls during Football season, then we might make an exception. Otherwise, please respect this cry for space, as I speak for all males in this country.
Besides, you have February through August to manipulate us all you want.