Comedian Jerry Seinfeld called a person’s birthday the worst day possible — you’re cranky, everyone is reminding you that you’re another year older and you have to look at the people celebrating around you and think, “These are my friends?”
Since today is your humble columnist’s birthday, I decided the best way to avoid the blues would be to make a wish list of everything I want from the University, the world and people in general.
I want a large monument erected in the Quad with my name and picture on it for being the last person on campus finally to get a cell phone. Yes, I’ve joined the not-so-exclusive club of students who drive one-handed on the interstate, search for the loud phone while it’s ringing during class and utter the most annoying phrase known to mankind — “Can you hear me now?”
Even if you don’t own a small palm-size communicator yet, by the time I figure out how to check messages on mine, you will.
I’d like professors to keep quiet about the whole grade distribution situation. If the number of students getting As has inflated in the last 35 or so years, there’s no need to make a big fuss over it. Just let things happen.
I really could use some type of get-out-of-boring class free card. I won’t go into specifics, but a person should get a break every now and then from the valium-like effect caused by certain classes.
Nothing makes a great birthday present better than a big sweaty wad of cash, so I’m hitting up Chancellor Mark Emmert for a much needed loan. With bills to pay and those anticipated large textbook fees peeking around the corner, I could use a quick pick me up. I’ve seen his salary, so I know he’s good for it.
Everyone is celebrating Christmas too early again this year. It’s barely November, and I’m bombarded with TV commercials and super sales that have no business being on before Dec. 15. Now, I’m as into the Christmas cheer as Rudolph, but only one month out of the year. Companies are jumping the gun on holiday advertising faster than Kentucky fans tearing down a goalpost. If this keeps up I’m going to have to start celebrating festivus.
Keep the Free Speech Alley preachers from going through their spiel around Tiger Stadium on gamedays. Tailgaters only are interested in having a good time, not being condemned in hell fire and brimstone. Besides, most people are aware of all the “sinning” happening, so there’s no need to rehash and announce it.
All sports should eliminate a tie from happening ever again. Last weekend, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Atlanta Falcons tied because neither team scored in overtime, which is the NFL’s rule. The baseball All-Star game ended in a tie last summer too, making Commissioner Bud Selig look like a clown. To paraphrase a great Tom Hanks line — there’s no tying in baseball!
Finally, nothing would make my birthday more special than to beat the washing detergent out of the Alabama football team on Saturday. After witnessing last week’s “Bluegrass Miracle” firsthand in Lexington, Ky., from the sideline 30 feet away, I should be content, but a gift-wrapped SEC championship trip is too good not to ask for.
Since it’s likely that most of these wishes won’t be granted, do me a solid and wish me happy birthday today. I probably need it.