Off the Cuff
    For those of you who chose to leave our lovely state for the New Year, you missed a rare occurrence — south Louisiana got snow.
For those of you who stayed, you know there is a damn good reason the weather gods choose not to freeze our region often — no one here knows how to drive in it.
First allow me to clarify about the snow.
We didn’t even get five centimeters of snow, but people’s driving behavior indicated a blizzard.
For example, an excerpt from a sports call-in show on local AM radio:
Announcer: “Next on the line, we have Earl on a cell phone.”
Earl: “HOW BOUT ’DEM TIGAS?!”
Announcer: “Yes, indeed. So what do you have for us tonight, Earl?”
Earl: “I just wanted to say to everybody to watch out on ’dem roads back up from New Orleans — dey slick and de snow is bad.” (SCREECHING BRAKES) “I saw a few cars wrecked here on the snow.” (CHILDREN SCREAMING: “Daddy, please slow down!”) “It sure is hard to see.” (SCREECHING BRAKES AGAIN) “Oh yeah — I almost forgot — Nick Saban is God. God Bless America.” (BRAKES, SCREAMS, CRUNCHING METAL, PHONE LINE GOES DEAD)
Even our lord and savior, Nick Saban, couldn’t save old Earl from his rotten driving.
He, like thousands of other Louisianans, saw the snow and ice as a perfect opportunity to drive at his usual 80 mph clip and completely ignore the road signs we usually ignore.
It took a while for native Louisianans to realize that the “Bridge may ice before road” was true this time.
Another phenomenon on icy roads in south Louisiana is the natives’ tendency to slam on brakes every half mile.
I can only imagine what these people are thinking and I imagine it like this:
Inner voice: “La-de-da. Isn’t the snow pretty? Oh no! A flake hit my windshield, let me slam on brakes!”
Why people choose to drive in unfamiliar and potentially dangerous conditions in the first place also confuses me.
Maybe it’s a macho thing.
Male: “Look, honey, SNOW!”
Female: “That’s nice, dear. Let’s stay off the roads tonight.”
Male: “Are you kidding me?!?! It’s freaking SNOW! I bought a Volvo in case this ever happened! Let’s go look at it on the interstate while driving at dangerously high speeds!”
OK, so maybe it’s just the attraction of danger that draws Louisianans to the open road in a freeze.
We are a risk-taking people by nature — gamblers, drinkers and lovers of all things spicy.
Welcome back and buckle up. Send your winter break remembrances to: [email protected].
Rebekah Monson