It’s barely December and the Christmas season is upon us. Endless holiday sales, classic TV shows like “A Christmas Story” being shown six times a day and houses in my neighborhood lit up with enough lights to illuminate a black hole — good times.
My favorite activity during this time of the year involves a car, a thick wallet and a high tolerance for dealing with people.
Oh yes — shopping.
Now I view myself as the typical alpha male shopper, and considering women are the majority of the people on my annual list, I don’t take a trip to the mall lightly, and I’ve gained much insight, if not a few headaches.
Trying to give the gift that keeps on giving is difficult, but with a little practice and knowledge of certain immutable truths, you too can brave the elements and boldly go where few men have gone before. Listen closely, you might learn something.
Like any good consumer, it’s best to make a list. Find out what people want, don’t guess. If there’s one thing I despise on Christmas, it’s a bad gifter (one who puts little or no thought into the gift) or a re-gifter (taking one bad gift and passing it on). Remember, the facial expression your giftee has when opening his or her present should resemble the “Have a Nice Day” T-shirt, not the Keystone bitter beer face.
Right off the bat, never give someone you love exercise equipment. In fact, stay away any health membership, ab-roller or any other accessory that implies weight loss should be in their immediate future.
Nothing makes me feel more like a man than going to the Bath and Body works store. This place has fragrances and lotions for every body part imaginable. There are even sinks and towels, where you can theoretically bathe right in the store if the need arises.
To me, this is where men and women differ. Giving soaps or shampoos to guys is a direct sign from you telling them they stink and should immediately jump in the shower, while women see it as a cute way to decorate the bathroom or just a great gift.
For the really brave soul, I suggest Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. Sure, you’ll get some odd glances and whispers of perversion from the women in there at first, but the benefits likely will pay off in the end, if you know what I mean.
If you do wander off the beaten path into one of these stores, know your giftee’s sizes. The world is full of mood-killers, but lace teddies or other assorted items that are two sizes too big will have you back at the singles bar faster than you can say Barry Manilow.
Stay away from all sports stores or the hardware department at Sears unless you’re absolutely sure your significant other is into that sort of thing. Don’t become a de-gifter, or person who gives people things he or she really wants, subconsciously thinking the giftee will hand it over. This is poor shopping technique.
Let me give you a word of caution about jewelry — it’s expensive. If you’re not ready for commitment, stay away from the swanky places that have the rings and necklaces in glass cases and require special permission just to look. You, my friend, are looking for the small stands in the center of the mall that have earrings in plastic bags or gold items for really discount prices.
Avoid getting suckered into joining any preferred customer lists or getting a store card that gives you 10 percent off each time you shop. Unlike our female counterparts, most guys won’t live at the mall the other 330 some odd days in the year, so this concept is unnecessary and will save you loads of time because you won’t have to fill out any paperwork.
Finally, don’t linger about the mall once you’ve finished shopping. There are plenty of stores and one day men may live to see them all, but a good bit of what they’re trying to sell is stuff you don’t want or need. So spend your hard-earned money elsewhere and have a Merry Christmas.