Wading through the infinite sea of irrelevance, ridiculousness and confusion commonly known as “the Internet” can be fairly daunting. Luckily, there will always be Web sites such as www.asksnoop.com, one of the last beacons of hope on an increasingly dim technological landscape.
Worried about the War in Iraq? Questioning your faith? Confused about a grammatical rule? Ask Snoop.
Proving that modern technology’s potential truly has no limit, someone has developed my nominee for invention of the year, “Tha Shizzolator.” All Tha Shizzolator needs is ANY web URL, whether it is lsu.edu, cnn.com or the home page for the Church of Scientology, and it works its magic.
Once Tha Shizzalator has been told where to go, it loads up the Web page, replacing the traditional English with Snoop’s personal interpretation of our beloved language.
Or, as Snoop himself explains the concept on asksnoop.com, “What’s up, cuz? It’s Tha Snoopy D-O-double Gizzle in da Hizzle. Enter yo trickass URL below and I’ll traaanslate it from tha shizzle to tha shiznit, know what I’m sayin?”
The beauty of Snoop’s invention is that it has no boundaries — The Doggfather can comment on everything from pop culture to politics, religion to race. This breakthrough allows us to step back and see what the world would be like if Snoop’s domination were complete.
Every newspaper in the nation has been focused on the Iraq situation, but I, for one, prefer Snoop’s take on the issue. According to a shizzalated cnn.com article, “President Big Baby Bush will make clear in a national address Monday night that ‘time is hella short’ fo’ Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.”
The Israeli Defense Minister, after being Shizzalated, had this to say, “If we’re attacked, Israel is obliged to defend itself,’ know what I’m sayin?”
Although his take on politics is mildly amusing, the evangelical Snoop is downright hilarious. This excerpt, which is a shizzolated appeal to those searching for religious meaning in their lives, speaks for itself.
Reverend Snoop says, “Maybe there are things in yo’ life that don’t seem be going hella well, know what I’m sayin’? Everyone has questions ’bout they own lives, know what I’m sayin’? If yo’ ass haven’t found answers that work fo’ yo’ ass, why not listen what Dogg has be like? Dogg’s Word has da answers that are grounded in truth ‘n love. Jesus has answers problems just like da ones yo’ ass face every day n’ sh*t.”
The Good Dogg doesn’t stop there — he truly reaches out. “If yo’ ass would like mo’ information ’bout what that shiznit means to become a Christian, please let us know n’ sh*t. We’d be happy get yo’ ass da information yo’ ass need, ‘n get yo’ ass in touch wit a Christian disciple in yo’ area.”
Admittedly, the Snoop manifestation is lacking several minor aspects of traditional English, such as grammar and coherence. Accordingly, he won’t be replacing William Shakespeare as the model of English usage anytime soon, but that doesn’t stop Snoop from trying his hand at re-fashioning the Bard.
Snoop Sonnet #1 assures his lady that “by heaven, I think my love as rare / As any brizzle belied wit false compare.”
As with any developing technologies, imperfections exist. Links oftentimes fail, and many Web sites won’t load properly once they have been Shizzolated. However, even the traditional error message has been replaced with “Yo’ ass don’t has permission access on this server.” Thanks Snoop — I’ll remember that next time before I visit.