I’ve been looking at job postings lately, and I think it may be time to upgrade my résumé.
It’s not that my résumé is shabby, it’s just that “frozen treat specialist” from my Dairy Queen days doesn’t seem to be impressing folks like it used to.
I hate applying for jobs.
I think I hate it because it requires major sucking up.
One cannot be honest with a potential employer.
At my last interview, the potential employer asked, “So, Rebekah, why did you leave your last job?”
Now, I know and all my friends know I left my last job because my boss was a prick and they stopped letting menial workers like me eat the doughnuts in the break room on Friday.
But, one must make up some horse-hockey excuse to make oneself look employable instead of telling the truth in a job interview.
Instead of saying, “They stopped letting us eat Krispy Kremes, and my boss was a douche. So, I got a raging case of pink eye and wiped conjunctivitis juice on his coffee mug. Then they fired me — basically for no reason,” I said something about a scheduling conflict with school.
That’s a much better explanation for potential employers.
One time, I think I got passed up for a job because I had a little Cane’s grease on my résumé.
It wasn’t my fault really — they forgot to give me napkins in the drive-thru and my hands were slipping off the freaking steering wheel.
It was either use the résumé or careen into the front door of the Gap to a painful, but fashionable, death.
Oh well.
Employers seem to be really big on that whole hygiene and looking nice thing in job interviews too.
Well, not all employers.
I applied for this job after band practice.
I was wearing Umbros and a nasty t-shirt and I smelled like butt.
But, they told me I had to come in at that time and I didn’t have time to change.
Thankfully, my sparkling wit and use of the words myriad, existentialist, confluence, loquacious and obsequious in my interview secured my position despite my buttesque odor.
But, old school Reveillers still crack on me about that interview.
In fact, that was probably the worst job interview I’ve ever had.
I actually cursed a few dozen times, and at one point I stood on the editor’s desk to show him my favorite booty dance move at the time.
What can I say? I am an impressive interviewee.
With moves like these, who could resist?
I guess the strip tease and wad of cash I slipped in his pocket didn’t hurt my chances either, though.