So, did you hear the one about the Spring Tester who got hit by a car?
It’s that time of year again folks, the baby locusts have descended with their maps and information packets to devour our parking spaces and block the Quad walkways in groups of 107 as they search for the Union.
Welcome, future freshmen.
This is the humor column, and you are today’s humor du jour.
Many of us were Spring Testers once, and have since shed our high school skins to become … well … weirder and maybe a little better educated.
Now, from what I hear, you guys are the coolest crop of Spring Testers EVER.
I’ll bet you guys will be the first group of freshmen at the University not to be idiots.
So, I’m here to offer you a few nuggets of wisdom as you prepare to depart on your journey into higher education.
First, always wear your class ring, letter jacket and prom t-shirts and keep that tassel up on your rearview mirror.
You were a big dog in high school, and that will really impress college kids.
If you were prom or homecoming queen/king, wear your crown.
That stuff will get you more action than a crate full of bananas in a monkey brothel.
Next, always park in the farthest parking spot from the center of campus you can find.
It’s the cool thing to do if you want to be “seen” on the way to class — ask any senior.
Third, always dress up for class.
A good suit or that black cocktail dress will do nicely.
Fourth, schedule as many of the hardest classes you can get.
Nineteen hours of honors calculus, organic chemistry, economics 2030, Shakespeare, music theory and anatomy aren’t too much for you, freshman.
Seriously, you graduated at the top of your high school class. That really MEANS something.
While we’re at it, talk A LOT about high school.
Everyone wants to hear about that time at band camp, the time you placed fourth in the 4-H turkey calling competition and when you lost your virginity in the back seat of a Chevy Cavalier.
We care. A lot.
Pay attention “testees,” this next one’s important.
When someone tells you they love you in a drunken stupor at a really cheesy bar that allows you in, they really really mean it.
Oh and, uh, football games suck.
Don’t even waste the money on tickets.
Lastly and most importantly, don’t waste your time looking both ways before you cross the street.
Drivers will stop.
Just ask your future SG president. He’s the one lying in the crosswalk in front of the Union.