Occasionally, the internet provides a lightweight, pop-culture gimmick that transcends our society’s arbitrary categorizations and whose inherent relevance forces the world to stand up and take notice, if only for a moment. Last year, Snoop Dogg’s state-of-the-art translation device, Tha Shizzolator, filled that role so perfectly I devoted an entire column to espousing its virtues.
At first glance, today’s Internet offered nothing of comparable value – just articles about Rush, Bush, and the wacky N.C. pastor who recently decided that a 400-mile, interstate horse ride would be the best way to raise support for teaching Creationism in public schools. With a little hard work, however, I soon discovered two new pointless net exercises – the Drinkometer, which estimates lifetime consumption, and a visual tutorial teaching how to “Dress Like Britney.”
These days, students’ Internet use varies as much from person to person as just about any other behavior, ranging from “How does email work again?” to the guy attending bi-weekly web-gamers anonymous meetings. However, nearly all of us at some point have been confronted – usually on the second floor at Middleton or at some piddling job – with a few minutes to kill and, as the cliché goes, “the world at our fingertips.”
Luckily for the future of humankind, faceless programmers have been painstakingly concocting new and exciting Nuggets of Net-tainment, each good for seconds or even minutes of fun, sure to keep the idling world occupied for the next few days or so. Not one to let groundbreaking trends of Modern America pass me by, I’ll offer a glimpse at these latest efforts, good and bad.
The opening screen of http://www.iondesign.net/drinkometer/ poses a question whose significance is self-evident to LSU folks like us – “Have you ever wondered just quite how much you’ve had to drink in your lifetime? Or how much it might have cost you?”
By simply supplying an age and an estimation of frequency and intensity of drinking excursions, one can receive the Drinkometer’s verdict. While the prices of drinks are high-balled and seriously warp the “You could buy this many Ferraris” score, the categories of drinkers are priceless.
The teetotaling crowd is dubbed as, “Mother Teresa – Pathetic Effort. My Grandma parties harder than you do.” Hit the night life every once in a while and you could be bumped up to, “Chelsea Clinton. At least you get out of the house, when your parents let you.” The spectrum runs up to Homer Simpson and Ozzy Osborne, a range of personalities, both real and fictional, worth drinking to – and the site also calculates how many bathtubs worth of spirits you’ve imbibed over the years.
Web viewing that is less entertaining, and certainly more soul-crushing, can be found at britneyspearscafe.com. The site is difficult to digest, top to bottom, from the omnipresent, large-font “Dress Like Britney” to its nauseating motto, “Something old, Something new, Something Britney, Something you.” Aw, how sweet.
Overcome by curiosity, I chose to click “Play.” This feature of Britney’s online “café” offers a sketch of a Brit-like female in nothing but her unmentionables, ready to be dressed. With four different Britney clothing lines to choose from – Low Rise Jeans, Winter 2002, Summer and Winter 2001 – you can, and honest to God I am not making this up, click on a variety of outfits and see how each looks on badly-sketched, sorta-Britney looking girl.
This is not a promotion, or even a suggestion, to do the same. I, like the explorer who emerges bloodied from a ferocious, uncharted jungle, or the addict who breaks free and lives to tell the tale, am here only to warn you – do not walk in my footsteps. You don’t need to see what these eyes have seen.
If you’d rather kill time with more productive Internet ventures, here’s a fallback. http://www.churchcentral.com/nw/s/id/17097/template/Article.html. It’ll tell you all you need to know about Funadmentalist HorseGuy, and his “Creation Quest Journey for Academic Freedom.”