Hey Rube.
Yeah, you, the one with the dazed, vacant expression in the eyes, looking for Coates Hall down around the PMAC.
Take a minute, sit down and listen to some advice from a young man who has been where you’ve been and lived to tell.
First off, let’s lay some ground rules. You will get lost at least five times in the first week, so don’t worry. After all, everyone knows the first week of classes doesn’t matter (crosses fingers, as he hits the snooze button on his own alarm clock for the third time). So why show up?
But, do this the second week, and you’ll be heading back home to work at Wal-Mart by the end of the semester.
Next, your roommate is your enemy. Do not trust him. Unless you know who you’re rooming with before you move in, treat him like you would the guy you share a jail cell with (i.e. don’t drop the soap).
If he asks you if it’s okay to have a girl/guy over, make sure that you set definite gound rules for sleeping schedules. Otherwise, you’ll have to do what I did for the first semester – make the couch in the dorm lobby your bed four nights a week.
The plus side to this is that you get to know everyone who works in your dorm. One of the many downsides is that people think you’re a homeless guy for two months or so.
Don’t drink too much. Seriously, you can, and it will screw you over faster than… well… use your imagination. As the Greeks would say, moderation in everything, excess in none.
It is unfortunate that we live in a country with such fouled up drinking laws, where any one of us could walk over to the nearest sporting goods store and buy a 12 gauge shotgun, but cannot go to Tigerland and have a drink. But I digress.
Seriously, you’ll pick up a lot of bad habits in college, such as not sleeping, sleeping around, smoking, reading post-modern feminist garbage, etc. Don’t let alcoholism be one.
I’ve given you a lot of don’ts. Here are a few more: don’t visit the library basement bathroom after 10 p.m.; don’t forget your friends from high school even if they are going to the hellhole of the south, Mississippi State [disown them if they go to Auburn]; don’t take my shower stall and don’t give plasma for money.
Here are some dos:
Get involved with something even if it just sitting on the patio talking about the best Dylan album.
Use protection because herpes isn’t very fun.
Talk to your professors. Most of them actually give a damn, which is rare at a state university.
Be nice to your elders, even if we sometimes forget that we were once clueless and young.
Finally, to quote perhaps the greatest cinematic triumph of our generation, “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”:
“Be excellent to each other and party on dudes.”
Good luck out there. And remember, the aisle in the back of the class is mine.