This will be my last column with The Reveille.
Even though I’ve only been around a few weeks, I’m still contractually obligated to write the “My last column before I graduate” column (henceforth known simply as “the last column column”).
Each of the previous eleven semesters that I’ve been at LSU I’ve read everybody’s last column column.
I swore that if by some strange twist of fate I ended up writing for a campus publication, I would never, ever, ever be reduced to writing a last column column.
I was perusing my employment contract the other night, and was shocked to find that I didn’t have any choice in the matter.
The following excerpt clearly explains my obligation: “I, Seth Fox, will once a week submit a column for publication. While I will probably consider my work fairly amusing, The Reveille realizes that it would probably be best used to house break a puppy. In exchange for having a weekly column in an award-winning collegiate paper, I agree to write a last column column.
“To be an acceptable last column column it must 1) thank everyone who got me where I am today, and 2) offer profound advice to those not graduating.
Ideally, part 2 will sound like I discovered this snippet of wisdom sometime in the span of 6 days since my last column.”
There you have it. Since I obviously have no choice but to go through with it, I’m at least going maintain a shred of dignity and do my last column column under my terms.
First, allow me to impart the profound advice as required by my contract. There are two things you need to make it through college and come out at the end as suave and sophisticated as yours truly: student loans and ramen noodles.
I’ll be graduating in debt from student loans to the tune of about $25 thousand. Sure, people tell you to avoid student loans if at all possible. I disagree for two reasons. First, we’re in college to get jobs that pay us enough that it’s easy to pay back the loans. Second, the way I look at it, if I die having paid off only $10 thousand, I still go to the grave up 15k.
I never could have made it through school without loans. Like a friend of mine put it, a student loan is welfare for college kids.
Then there are ramen noodles. Oh sweet manna from heaven.
If it weren’t for ramen noodles, my debt number would be about twice as big. If you have a spare dollar lying around, you can sponsor a malnourished Third-World child and have enough money left over to eat like one.
I’m lucky that I grew up on ramen noodles, so once I got to college I didn’t have to acquire a taste for the best 3-minute meal 13 cents can buy. Over the course of the last few years I’ve developed countless ramen noodle recipes.
There’s the simple ramen noodle pot with a sprinkling of Tony’s and a splash of generic Louisiana hot sauce. I also enjoy draining the noodles and eating them with stewed tomatoes and butter. But my absolute favorite of all time is a little ditty I like to call “The bestest cheapest meal in the whole wide world.”
Start off by cooking the noodles and draining them. Add butter, Italian dressing, garlic salt, Tony’s, lemon juice and a couple of shakes of hot sauce.
The secret to keeping this recipe cheap is to make sure all the ingredients but the noodles were purchased by your roommate.
Mmm, Mmm good.
And now, it’s time to get all misty-eyed and senitimental as I remember all the people out there who made today possible.
I’d like to thank Arnold Horseshack and Elvis.