Yesterday, I realized why people shouldn’t carry guns.
I was at my favorite coffee house, waiting in line to get a refill on my au lait, minding my own business when this damned lady — wait, I just called her a lady … scratch that — when this damned she-devil in front of me ruined my life.
Here’s how it all went down.
OK, I was standing in line behind this woman, who like myself, was holding an empty coffee cup.
Why? Because at my favorite coffee house, you get free refills on au lait.
Yep, free refills on au lait, and only au lait.
If you want extra cream in that au lait, you have to pay for it — easy concept.
Oh, but wait. Obviously not that easy.
I was whistling the theme to Great American Hero, for God’s sake — I was in a great mood.
“What do you mean vanilla is going to cost me 57 cents,” she says.
“It’s free refills on au lait,” she says.
“This is preposterous,” she says.
I stopped whistling. She began screaming.
Why scream over 57 cents?
Dig down in that huge F***ing Louis Vuitton bag, and scrounge up some damn change. But, no, she just kept screaming.
“Let me see a manager,” she says.
I could feel my happiness being ripped away like Madonna’s pubic hairs at her weekly Brazilian waxing session.
She made the sweet girl behind the counter cry. I hate it when people make women cry — unless they deserve it.
Women don’t usually deserve to cry. The poor cashier didn’t deserve to cry; but if ever a woman deserved to cry, it was the shrew screamin’ about her precious 57 cents.
If I carried a gun, I would have shot her on principle alone.
Now, I wouldn’t have killed her.
I don’t think I’m capable of such things, but I would have definitely busted a cap in that moron’s thigh, or something, just to let her know her actions were inappropriate and unappreciated.
But, I didn’t do anything.
I just stood there with my head down and didn’t say a thing.
My day was ruined, nonetheless.
To make things worse, she stormed out of my favorite coffee house and sped off in her Jaguar — her Jaguar.
Anywho, I’m over it now.
(Disclosure: in no way are the terms “she-devil” and “shrew” a generalization of all or even the great majority of women. While vile and degrading, these terms were adequately applied to describe the horrible human being portrayed in the above article. Trust me she was a huge “****.”)