Allen Coney
Yellowstone Exxon Graphic
Editor’s Note: The following column is satire.
U.S. President Donald Trump has announced a plan to allow corporations to buy the naming rights to various landmarks.
This comes shortly after the success of the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico into the Gulf of America. The President announced this in a post on his social media platform, “Truth Social.”
“After the SUCCESS of the Gulf of America project, I announce a plan to Americanize ALL our landmarks,” Trump said. “I recently spoke with Tim Apple, and he has announced a plan to rename the San FRAUDcisco Bay into the beautiful Apple Bay. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.”
Other corporations have also hopped on the bandwagon, such as Exxon announcing plans to buy the naming to Yellowstone National Park, with them renaming it “Exxon-Mobil National Park at Yellowstone.”
Exxon-Mobil isn’t the only company that has renamed national parks. Denali National Park has become Shell Industries National Park at Mt. McKinley, and the Carlsbad Caverns have become the Coca-Cola Caverns at Carlsbad.
One name change goes a step further, with the former Badlands National Park being changed to the “Goodlands National Park sponsored by Disney-Hulu-ESPN-ABC-Marvel-Lucasfilms-National Geographic-Fox Entertainment.” The sign has already been stolen twice.
Some of these renames have caused some unintended consequences. For example, Tampa Bay has been renamed “Buccaneer Bay,” as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers paid for the naming rights. However, because of the rename, the team is now the Buccaneer Bay Buccaneers.
Some other consequences are naming rights overlapping. For some reason, the Mississippi River changes names more times than an average Baton Rouge Road. The once mighty Mississippi River has been split into the Target River, Budweiser River, Bass Pro Shops River, Canes Creek and Rouses River.
Some city governments are attempting to reach for a slice of that corporate key lime pie. The city of Houston has announced that it will be renamed every six months and that the highest bidding corporation can have the city named after it.
Currently, the city is known as Chevron Industries City, but Halliburton is next on the docket. This has made getting mail throughout the city seemingly impossible through the USPS. However, UPS and FedEx, the private mail companies, are overcharging for shipping, but at least the package arrives at its location.
Other naming oddities include the Great Adameve.com Lake near Salt Lake City, Utah, and The Tesla River, which runs through Texas and forms up much of the border with Mexico, eventually spilling into the Gulf of America.
State officials think this is some of the dumbest legislation passed, as it only causes confusion and doesn’t benefit anyone. It has also caused the U.S. deficit to only go further because now, infrastructure and signs must be rebuilt.
There is also a clause that states a company can sell off the naming rights at any point, making what was one of the most robust and beautiful parts of America another commodity that can be bought and sold. But at least one can take a Kayak in the Kayak.com Creek until they reach the Booking.com falls.
Andrew Sarhan is an 18-year-old freshman from Baton Rouge, La.