Donald Trump has always been sassy.
“The problem with Ron DeSanctimonious is that he needs a personality transplant, and those are not yet available,” the President said of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
Trump has always been in touch with his inner diva, leading many social media commentators to question whether the Queens native is — well — a queen. Ricki-Lee, Tim & Joel hosted a podcast episode entitled, “Why Trump Would Be a Perfect Gay Man.”
As a proud bisexual with a pretty solid gaydar, I’ve long shared Ricki-Lee, Tim and Joel’s sentiments. And I agree: Trump is petty, evil and rich. This is what Truman Capote fought for.
Thanks to the Epstein files, our suspicions have been confirmed.
When I read that Trump had been “blowing Bubba” — a nickname for serial philanderer Bill Clinton — I felt vindicated. Finally, I thought, the bi community has some representation in the White House (and the Kremlin… I don’t think Vladimir Putin was just watching). As the old adage goes, all press is good press.
Of course, some have cast doubt on the popular interpretation of the email, arguing that Bubba was really the name of Ghislaine Maxwell’s horse (as if that’s somehow less gay).
I’m also skeptical of the email, primarily because I don’t get the vibe that Trump is that generous of a lover.
But whatever doubt I had about Trump’s sexuality I threw to the wayside when I saw his press conference with New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
The closet is glass. At this point, I think Trump’s best political option is to come out as bi.
I’m dead serious.
He already invited House Republicans to the White House to ask them not to release the remaining Epstein files. When they refused, the President pivoted: “we have nothing to hide,” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post.
In a rare turn of events, Trump might be telling the truth. I mean, what more is there for us to learn?
That he’s bi? We already know that he’s blown Bubba — human or equine.
That he’s a rapist? We’ve already heard his “locker room talk,” and he’s already been found liable for sexually assaulting E. Jean Carroll.
That he’s cheated on his wife? Stormy Daniels told us enough about Trump’s infidelity on “60 Minutes.”
That he’s a pedophile? He already said that he would have dated his daughter Ivanka if they weren’t related (thank God he draws the line at incest).
Trump’s goose is more cooked than my Thanksgiving turkey was. The good news for Trump is, for as hard as Republicans have fought to release the Epstein files, they haven’t seemed to care much about the President’s previous sexual escapades. Compared to sexual assault, giving Bubba fellacio seems pretty tame.
In fact, I think Trump coming out could help him get out of hot water. I can already hear the words coming out of Karoline Leavitt’s mouth: “Stop asking about Bubba, piggy. The President was experimenting with his sexuality. You and the liberal media are on a homophobic witch hunt.”
Maybe you’re thinking that the Republican Party hates gay people too much to accept an out president. I firmly disagree.
The Republican Party loves Donald Trump much more than they hate gay people. Just think of how many “American values” they’ve compromised in the name of making America great again: they’ve gone from criticizing big government to sending the National Guard to Chicago, they’ve gone from espousing free market capitalism to lauding tariffs as an economic silver bullet and they’ve gone from promoting law and order to voting for a guy with 34 felonies.
Compared to the sum total of conservative ideology, accepting a bi president is small potatoes.
Also, it’s not like Trump is the only gay Republican to hold office. Between JD Vance wearing eyeliner and Ron DeSantis rocking heels, Trump seeing the dark side of the moon is as heterosexual as John Wayne. For Christ’s sake, Grindr crashed at the last Republican National Convention. If anyone would benefit from a little pride, it’s not Pete Buttigieg; it’s the DL staffers sashaying around the Capitol — and Lindsay Graham (probably).
Protesters have been telling us: human rights are not political. Maybe Trump giving red, white and blue an iridescent glow would put the right and left on the same page.
In the meantime, though, let’s give the President his space. Every fairy needs time to fly.
Cade Savoy is a 21-year-old political science and philosophy major from Breaux Bridge, La.
