Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
American values under attack. Revolutionary vanguard prepared to defend liberty.
Greetings, comrades. We live in very tumultuous times, as our very way of life is under assault by the forces of degeneration, but our bravery and ideological purity will see us through.
Our glorious leaders will see fit that our democratic integrity is preserved, and new forces of pride will swell within the heart of every hard-working patriot.
Poisoning of America’s game
In the recent 60th All-Union Final of the American Football Championship, dangerous counter-revolutionary “entertainers” promoted a host of subversive messages in our beloved Republic’s sacred game.
First, the radical anarchist group “Green Day” attempted to spread a message of disunity and anti-intellectualism in their squall called “American Idiot.”
Most egregiously, enemy of American purity “Bad Bunny” occupied the glorious field of champions during the traditional Proletariat’s Rest, desecrating our beautiful American tongue with his dreadful, foreign drivel. This evil rabbit’s 13-minute symphony of discord sought to spread perverse messages of bourgeois decadence such as “tolerance” and “celebration of self-identity.”
Our Dear Leader, Comrade General Secretary of the American People’s Republican Party Donald Trump, declared this spectacle of absurdity as objectively terrible and dangerous to the minds of the youth. Comrade General Secretary affirmed that these acts of cultural warfare are not aligned with the values of our great Union, and those supportive of these aforementioned actions must have their patriotic activity examined, administering re-education as necessary.
Fortunately, the model patriotic organization Tribunal of Patriotism, Unity and State Affairs (TPUSA) operated their own sanctioned cultural event, The Pan-American Display of Good Citizenship, as a safe space of democratic and familial values.
New Commissar integrated into LSU athletics committee
As enemy of the state Brian Kelly has been arrested and banished to an eternity of hard labor for his traitorous spirit, the talented and capable football coach, Comrade Lane Kiffin, has been placed in command of the Louisiana State University football team.
Comrade Kiffin has always been an important and highly adored individual to the people of our homeland, as Comrade Kiffin has always been a deeply cherished ally, never once having demonstrated any hostile intent towards the revered purple and gold.
Comrade Kiffin will surely lead our glorious Fighting Tigers to absolute victory in the coming season of athletic competition, with nothing short of obtaining a championship trophy deemed acceptable. Comrade First Secretary Jeff Landry has ensured that adequate resources have been provided for this great leap forward.
Comrade First Secretary Landry demonstrated true democratic value
Ever since our Dear Leader has bestowed the title of special envoy to Comrade Secretary Landry to assist the cause of liberating the island of Greenland, some bourgeois infiltrators inside the Central Committee of the People’s Party of Louisiana have claimed First Secretary Landry to be absent from his duties to the state.
However, this claim is quite preposterous, as Comrade Landry has instead demonstrated that the Revolution is as strong as ever, allowing the state to function near-autonomously, with his guiding hands ever present.
Comrade Landry places great trust in the Central Committee’s ability to service the great citizen-workers of Louisiana, as he fosters goodwill amongst the National Assembly in Washington, D.C. His meetings in the ballrooms of the capital city help to cultivate his democratic prowess and are only indicative of the mutual affection between our great First Secretary and his ever loyal patriots.
Instances of illicit enjoyment or disruptive cognition will be treated as counter-revolutionary sentiment, punishable by collectivist purification at the Huey P. Long Ideological Institute.
Vive le travailleur!
Vive l’Union!
Vive la révolution!
Thomas Bergeron is a 26-year-old graduate student from Baton Rouge.
