While it may be difficult securing a job in this economy, finding qualified people to work for you must be infinitely harder. Your business is your baby; you don’t want to pay just anyone to help you take care of it.
You need a person that is educated enough, has a modicum of common sense and can handle the pressure of a stressful environment.
In short, you need a graduate of Louisiana State University.
There are huge benefits to hiring an LSU grad. Given the amount of partying we do, no amount of booze at any office party can render us impotent for work the next day. Bourbon, vodka, gin or moonshine, we’ll be in bright and early to work the 9-to-5.
In fact, scientists speculate that completion of just one semester at LSU forces your liver to evolve to a higher state of being.
On the same note, we are able to deftly manage any embarrassing supply closet hook-ups with poise and grace, and by that, I mean deleting any newly acquired phone numbers and claiming to have blacked out.
Bullet dodged. Am I right, fellas?
When it comes to retaining important information, there are none that can compare to a Tiger. Some students skip most classes throughout the year, and once they do decide to attend, it is sparse and irregular, with inordinate amounts of cramming the two weeks before finals.
The change usually happens right after Mardi Gras during spring semester.
This Vyvanse-fueled process has conditioned us to be able to absorb weeks worth of coursework in as little as 48 hours, a skill that could prove most useful in the high speed, bustling corporate world.
You haven’t seen genius until you’ve watched desperate, twitchy slackers slam down three books on Balkan history in one night and then produce a quality paper.
As far as education goes, LSU may not be the best in the state, but you have to think, isn’t it much wiser to use the public funds available through TOPS than to take on student loan debt to go to Tulane? As employers, you should definitely take into consideration the enormous lack of common sense it takes to burden oneself with a loan to pay back in a weak job market.
I know I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank whenever I walk out of here with three degrees and no debt.
And finally, imagine how passionate LSU students would be as an employee.
Let’s be perfectly honest here. LSU fans, especially students, are hands down the most passionate fan base in college football. Where else can you hear thousands of students chanting in unison for the other team to go fellate a 600 pound jungle cat?
Nowhere, that’s where.
We bleed purple and gold, and have a love for this place more powerful than the contract Nick Saban made with Lucifer to become the next Bear Bryant.
Who’s to say what businesses could accomplish with this kind of dedication.
The makings of a great employee are hard work,
perseverance, loyalty and a sharp mind. LSU is a premier institution that can take young people straight out of high school, and mold them into quick thinking, fast adapting and possibly alcoholic adults fully equipped to tackle the challenges of any field.
Whenever you are reviewing applications, check to see if LSU is listed under education. If not, feel free to toss it.
Ryan McGehee is a 20-year-old political science, history and international studies junior from Zachary, La.