As a producer for a highly successful satirical college news show with an equally successful sports segment entitled the “Benchwarmer” with Spencer Latiolais, I always have to stay on top of my game to shill out cheap comedy for the LSU masses that stimulates the mind and creates dialogue (among the five people who watch) like “what the heck did I just watch” and “why is the audio so bad?” As for the audio, we’re working on it so get off our back, Internet. 
However, one of the great mysteries of life that I have never been able to grasp is that of the world of sports. All that running and jumping and hand-eye coordination just doesn’t jive with the fatty food shaped body that I inhabit. Running in a straight line on a machine for thirty minutes with an electronic display shoved into my face is the closest I’ll probably get to accomplishing any sort of rigorous physical activity. 
Despite the physical demands of sports, the mental capacity of the spectator is one that I will never understand. The only thing I think I can compare it to is my largely useless knowledge of the consumer electronics industry. I used to work for a fruit related tech company and helping people troubleshoot their FruitPhone or evangelizing consumers towards a new FruitPad was my specialty. Even though I left that job for an illustrious career at Tiger TV, I still like to keep up with all of the stats, rumors, and news of the industry. 
Perhaps it’s the same with sports; while I find all of these random facts, figures, and acronyms (RBI? RAM? WNBA?!?!) confusing, I suppose that it’s exactly the same as my love for pointless tech info: a vessel in which we shove all of our feelings and responsibilities into to find an escape. As we all know, spending any time actually exploring our inner emotional sanctums is a painful process that we’d all like to avoid. Instead, we use all of these rankings, scores, stats, and brackets to escape our pathetic humanity. 
Sports have been around for a long time according to a highly reputable article from Wikipedia. Paleolithic cave paintings depicted humans wrestling and the Sumerians are credited with inventing boxing. In what was used as a primitive expression of emotion soon became, over the past thousands of years, one of the greatest tools to run away from our true emotions and sedate us with standings and the various elements of the particular sport you are interested in. 
I see no difference between the middle-aged man at the sports bar debating it up with his bros about the virtues of some players compared to others when handling inflated rubber spheres and the teen girl texting her BFF about how like OMG hot Austin Mahone is and how stereotypes like these only further encourage discrimination against women (you sexist pig). Really, they’re one and the same. Both are attempting to blow off some steam and escape from the sad realities of their lives and the tragic memories that haunt their dreams. 
So while my interests are not the physical skills and accomplishments of humans, I must give respect to the love and devotion of sports fans around the world. For almost the whole of human existence, we have turned to sports as an escape, a pastime, and a way to make ridiculous amounts of money. While my devotion and fanaticism lie elsewhere, I must give thanks to the sports community for showing us how avoiding the tragic mysteries of life is done.  
Question is “how do I sport?” Well, I’m afraid it is too late for me and I will never learn how to sport properly. I will never develop the passions of the sports world as my peers, as sad as it is to say. However, may I serve as an example for all of the kids in this damn fine country of ours with aspirations to give sports a try. You may just learn how the exploitation of humans to reel in the patronage of the masses can lead you to a highly successful career in almost any field of life.
(Just like my incoherent, cynical ramblings successfully reeled you in to this page and forced you to look at ads for my financial benefit.)