Editor’s note: This column is a satire.
Russia President Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine has been widely condemned on the global stage but none have spoken louder than Americans.
Not NATO, nor the American federal government, but regular Americans. Wars aren’t won by soldiers or tactics, after all; they are won in the hearts and minds of the people.
Massive shipments of ammunition, weapons, and medical supplies are important, but nothing comes close to the work Americans are doing at home.
Across the country, bar owners and even some local officials have shown their support for Ukraine by pouring out bottles of vodka, a drink that originated in Russia. It should be noted that many of the brands of vodka being dumped are not Russian-owned, but it’s the thought that counts.
Americans have also been vandalizing Russian-owned businesses. Critics may claim that such actions are harmful, misguided and ineffective, but they fail to realize the fear this instills in Putin.
Insider reports say that Putin was so shaken by the news of the American reaction that he holed up somewhere in the Kremlin, watching reruns of “Barney & Friends.” He felt set on his goal to overtake Ukraine, but after seeing Americans boycott third-generation Russian American restaurants, he’s losing his confidence.
While it is true that Putin has been dealt a significant blow by American citizens, there is still far more that can be done.
Pouring vodka out is a good start, but it is just that—a start. Anyone seen drinking vodka should have their drink slapped out of their hand. If an American sees a nice family enjoying bowls of borscht, they should spit in their food and call them communists. Russian nesting dolls should be separated and destroyed one by one.
Americans should paint their restaurants—or any restaurant they can find—blue and yellow in the form of the Ukrainian flag. 
Americans should also boycott things invented in Russia or by Russians.
This means no use of helicopters; anyone looking to travel through the air will have to go by plane lest they be considered a traitor.
The periodic table, formulated by Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev, has no place in America while this war is going on. Scientists should instead guess what elements they are looking at based on the vibe they give off.
There should be no use of parachutes. Anyone looking to skydive should refrain until the war is over or invest in large plastic bags.
Americans have been doing their part, but the war isn’t over yet. With a little more effort and an enhanced tactical approach, 330 million citizens can win a war half a world away.
A little more freedom fighting is all it will take to win the war as Putin sucks his thumb and watches season 5 of “Cocomelon.”
Frank Kidd is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from Springfield.