Editor’s note: This column is a satire.
TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube have banned former kickboxer and internet provocateur Andrew Tate. Tate has been widely derided on the internet, mostly because of comments deemed misogynistic by critical eyes of online discourse.
Those who stand against the self-proclaimed “Top G” tend to be narrow-minded and ignore the incredibly positive impact he’s had on countless lives. Many young people, especially men, look to him for guidance and as a father figure in an age where those are rare.
Claims that Tate is a misogynist are overblown, cynical attempts to damage his reputation. His critics often cite a time when he was speaking about the idea of men having control over women to evidence their claims.
“You can’t be responsible for a dog if it doesn’t obey you, or a child if it doesn’t obey you or a woman if it doesn’t obey you,” Tate said.
Disparagers of Tate say that comparing women to dogs and babies is degrading and offensive. Surely none of them are aware that dogs are known affectionately as man’s best friend and that babies are loved unconditionally in most cultures throughout history. This comparison is a positive one, and the idea that it’s sexist in any way is ludicrous.
Tate also delivers life lessons on many vitally important topics. When advising men on how to drink water, Tate said, “You are thirsty and you want to hydrate your body, you can complete that task in three seconds. Next time you’re thirsty and you buy a bottle of water, drink the water and throw the bottle away. Why are you walking around with a bottle of water? You need your hands free; you’re not combat ready.”
The removal of this wise advice from the internet is unacceptable: People need to be warned about the dangers of walking around with water bottles. For years this problem has plagued America. People walking around with water bottles in broad daylight are being assaulted by gangs. The problem is so bad that entire political campaigns are being run around solving the issue. Tate has found a perfect remedy for this problem, and his reward is being deplatformed.
I viewed that particular video while in the hospital recovering from my latest run-in with the “Bottle Boy Beaters.” I now understand that I must always be combat-ready. Since that day, I haven’t used my hands once. I’ve learned to drive, play basketball, eat and, most importantly, drink water without the use of my hands, all in the real chance that I need to spring into combat.
Tate also helps people financially by running Hustlers University, a $50 subscription service that provides customers with knowledge on stocks, cryptocurrency, drop shipping and more. There is even advice on which stocks to buy, which assuredly are good plays, and you definitely won’t lose money. 
I sold everything I owned, convinced my parents to take out a second mortgage and asked for money from all of my friends to pay for the highest premium subscription I could for Hustlers University. After just five days of doing everything that Tate says, I have become far more popular with women, and I own a small portion of Serbia.
The banning of Tate from social media platforms is unbelievable, unwarranted and un-American. Andrew Tate is a gift horse, and those who stand against him are looking him in the mouth. He should not be denigrated. He should be celebrated with streets that bear his name, Greek god-style statues and, one day, a seat in the Oval Office.
Frank Kidd is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from Springfield, VA.