The following article does not condone the attack of frat boys.

If you’re in college, chances are you’ve come in contact with a frat boy. They come in many different shapes, sizes and dispositions. You may not have even known that they’re in a frat. 

But did you know there’s more to the diversity of the frat boy species than what meets the eye? There are those among the frats who aren’t from this plane: the Demon Frat Boys from Hell.

These gremlins masquerading as bros are the work of a foul concoction of sulfur and Svedka. These demon-boys have many subspecies, and they’re often almost indecipherable from their human bro counterparts. 

The danger of keeping oneself too close to these hell spawn is obvious, a total breakdown of your mental safety.

Fear not, I’ve discovered a way to decipher the true nature of these men, how to gaze between the planes and see the imps for what they are. The easiest way to do so is to listen to their music. Music reveals a lot about a person or, rather, a demon. It’s the true window to the soul.

First up to bat is the easiest subspecies to catch, the dude-bro demon frat boy from hell. These fiends are easily exposed by their music taste, which often includes songs like “CARNIVAL” by Kanye West, “Just Wanna Rock” by Lil Uzi Vert, “Starboy” by The Weeknd and “Mia Khalifa” by iLOVEFRiDAY. 

In essence, it’s any song that channels a sense of “I’m HIM!” and “Yeah… I get all the women.” 

Other ways to identify this classification of demon frat boy are by smell: Dior Sauvage, sticky Raspberry Svedka and cloying menthol vape. 

One could also employ sight: red shorts, low taper fade and blinding white teeth. The most common victims of this demon are sorority women, female athletes and the occasional gay frat brother.

A closely related classification to the dude-bro is the “unlike other boys” frat boy from hell. 

This subspecies “listens” to women, both in life and music. He’ll stream “The Man” by Taylor Swift but won’t absorb its true message, just regurgitate what other “woke” people have said about it. Anything popular on TikTok or the radio is this man’s listening game.

You can spot him from his clothing as well, clad in shirts from obscure brands his bisexual ex-girlfriend told him about. He smells like Jean Paul Gaultier’s “Pour Homme.” The most popular victims of this classification are indie girls, spiritual girls, swifties and, of course, bisexual women.

Next, something a bit more unexpected: the emo demon frat boy. They’re dangerous. A look into their Spotify Wrapped would reveal horrors like, “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance and “Hell Above” by Pierce the Veil. Any song that screams out male loneliness is as good as crack to these fiends.  

These mutations of emo and frat culture are typically clad in silver and black band tees as well as any other badge of false aesthetics. These “men” are ruthless and prone to playing the victim in all scenarios. They’ll probably smell of body odor and marijuana. 

The preferred victims of this devil are spiritual girls, goth women, sad girls and the occasional homosexual. 

Finally, perhaps the hardest to spot and most dangerous is the mentally enlightened demon frat boy from hell. Beware this one, he’s often listening to music that “makes a critique” of modern culture. He may also dabble with various classical composers. 

Think songs by Bo Burnham and Ludwig van Beethoven. He’ll stream anything if it makes him seem smart and unique. These boys smell like something expensive yet plain, inoffensive. 

They’re usually unclockable by their wardrobe, until you see them dressed up. That’s when they dawn their finely tailored suits with expensive watches. 

Their victims include anyone they can get their uncalloused hands on. Once they’ve found a victim, they’ll torture that poor soul financially and mentally.

Now that I’ve identified the dangers of these demons in our midst, hopefully you, my dear reader, may stay safe. 

Garrett McEntee is an 18-year-old English freshman from Benton.