Note: The following is a satirical piece written from the perspective of Andrew Tate.
While confined here in the Bucharest City Jail, I came across statements on Twitter and from commentary YouTube channels condemning me for so-called problematic statements. I’m usually too busy to respond to criticism, but due to my recent detainment, I’ve got a bit more free time.
Firstly, to the losers celebrating my unlawful imprisonment, you should know that this is not the end of me. I only grow stronger in my cell as I’ve been thinking of ways to restore society to its natural order dictated by evolutionary psychology.
I’ve been drafting and editing legislation to encourage women to fulfill their natural role as homemakers. My first piece of legislation, the Society Against Non-traditional Demanding Women Incentivization of Chastity and Hushing-up Act, a.k.a. The SANDWICH Act will lead us to a better future.
The most important provision of the law establishes a strike system for women. Things that can earn a woman a strike will include talking back to a man, getting a job, reading books, not having children, dying their hair, getting piercings and tattoos, not smiling enough, etc. Upon the accumulation of three strikes, the offending woman will be placed in prison for life.
My haters are scared of the utopia that my ideas would bring about. They push woke propaganda for money knowing that it’s destroying the natural order and leaving men and women alike worse off. They often label me a misogynist which is obviously not true unless one’s definition of misogynist thought includes the beliefs that women shouldn’t be able to vote, drive, get a divorce, open a bank account, attend university, own property or go outside of the house without a man.
The media’s push to label me as a sexist is odd given that I’ve stated numerous times that I don’t hate women, I just think that men and women are different. Women have been tricked by feminists out of the easy lives they were designed to live and into complex roles made for men. We wonder why there are so many malfunctions with our technology, yet we employ female engineers. When I come to power the only things women will be engineering are breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Feminists have cleared the way for women to be surgeons, a chilling thought to anyone not affected by the woke mind virus. I’d rather have my surgery done by an 8-year-old boy that thinks he’s playing “Operation” than a woman. There are even female lawyers now, which is probably why our legal systems are a sham. I suspect women are using their chief argumentative tactic, crying, to win cases.
The current state of our world fosters a terrible culture that pushes women beyond their natural limits. When I’m in power women that want jobs will have the option to be preschool teachers or secretaries.
Any reasonable person would have no objection to my ideas without the control of big tech overlords who fill our heads with the pernicious ideology of female equality.
Angry women and simps alike support the abomination of justice, that is my imprisonment. For justification, they point to a video I made describing how I slowly convince women to sell their bodies online for my financial gain using the lover boy method. Some call my methods textbook sex trafficking, among them the legal codes of most countries. Regardless of the legality of my actions, there’s no denying that I was snatched up by the matrix because I threatened to expose its existence to the public.
I humbly continue the tradition of great men that have been unjustly jailed. I see myself similarly to Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, but I believe I will go down as greater than them because I’m fighting for more than civil rights, I’m fighting for a perfect society. A society that takes male-female interaction back to the Stone Age where it belongs.
To my nemesis Greta Thunberg, I will get out of here one day and when I do, I will have my revenge on you and your precious environment. I will drive each of my 33 cars to your house and leave them running. I may also bring some aerosol cans to spray into the ozone layer. I’m going to bring all of the plastic I can find and dump it into the river nearest to you. I will place plastic straws in the noses of turtles and place six-pack rings around their necks. I will cut down every tree in Sweden to get my revenge.
Upon my release, I will rise like a phoenix and my work will elevate me to legendary status. The statues erected of me shall stand forever, a reminder of my great life and teachings. So enjoy the memes while you still can, for it is I who will laugh last.
Sincerely,
Cobra Tate
Frank Kidd is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from Springfield, Virginia.