Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
House Republicans accused President Joe Biden and his son Hunter of peddling influence after discovering the extent of cash and gifts they allegedly received while he sat on the board of Ukrainian energy company Burisma Holdings. This has led conservative pundits and politicians to coin the term “Biden Crime Family.”
Critics of the title say Biden would be far richer if he was running a crime family. However, it’s likely a boss of his stature has numerous untraceable offshore accounts that, if discovered, would reveal him as one of the richest men in the world.
Most people don’t know the true history of the so-called “Biden” family. Joe Biden’s father Vincenzo Bidenolianssodimario immigrated to Delaware from Sicily in 1910. Bidenolianssodimario then started the most lucrative crime family in America with a vision for his son, Joey Lianzarigallo Bidenolianssodimario, to take over his role as boss.
Joey wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps but he also understood the value of political power. He changed his name to Joseph Robinette Biden to obscure his connections and won a senate seat, but Biden occasionally showed his true colors.
He gave a glimpse behind the curtain in his speech opposing bussing Black children to white schools, which was as progressive as one would expect a mob boss to be.
“It’s bad enough they took over the NBA and the NFL; next they’re gonna say we gotta let ‘em plow our wives or even our Goomars, or they’re gonna call us racist. Look, I just don’t want my kids growing up in a racial jungle over here. I’m not racist; I do work with some of those types down by the docks. They know how to make a shipment or two disappear if you know what I mean,” Biden said.
READ MORE: Opinion: You should be agreeing with the mass consensus, it’s good for you
When a reporter asked him what he meant by his comments, Biden realized he’d blown his cover and responded, “Va Fangul! If anyone prints any of this, it’ll be the last story you ever write. We’re gonna gift you and your editor some brand new cement shoes. Fresh out the box.”
Biden must not have had access to cement at the time, because the reporter and editor who planned to run the story were found dismembered in shipping crates.
The story only came out years later when the reporter’s notes were found. The notes also included a deep investigation into the family, and Biden’s net worth was estimated at $600 million, an sum unheard of for a mob boss.
Biden is a ruthless criminal and has been for decades. David Chase, writer and producer of “The Sopranos,” spoke about how the show’s main character, Tony Soprano, was based on Biden.
“A lot of people think that Tony was based on Vincent Palmero, but after we cast James Gandolfini, I showed him behind-the-scenes videos of Joe Biden when he’s acting natural. It’s funny Tony is based on Biden, but I think this senile old man routine he’s doing now is similar to what Junior Soprano tries to pull on the judge in season…” The interview with ABC cut off abruptly there.
Fortunately, there is a video of the interview obtained from a transcriber that was home sick and getting a live feed. The video shows two men wearing velour tracksuits, white tank tops and gold chains enter and shoot the camera.
It’s been rumored that CBS decided against running a story on leaked audio of Biden after the reporter who obtained it died in a questionable suicide. He’s said to have tied himself to the back seat of a car, taped his mouth shut, put a brick on the gas pedal and driven into a hole full of dynamite after shooting himself in the head twice.
Those who have heard the audio say Biden can be heard talking about Donald Trump, saying, “I already beat him once; if he keeps talking like this, I might have beat him for good. I really hope he finds some more respect somewhere in his heart. It’d be a shame if something unfortunate were to befall him.”
Biden’s reign of terror has gone on for too long. The Biden Crime Family needs to be brought to justice, and I won’t stop until they’re exposed or I stab myself 300 times in the stomach, whichever comes first.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
