Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
A few weeks ago, the book-banning push reached a new level when Sen. John Kennedy recited sections from LGBTQ+ young adult books, including “All Boys Aren’t Blue” and “Gender Queer.”
The reading occurred during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing titled “Book Bans: Examining How Censorship Limits Liberty and Literature,” which addressed the issue of what books should be publicly available to students.
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Both sides understand this tactic to be extremely effective, which is reflected by a leaked internal memo from an unnamed Democratic senator.
It reads, “They’ve found our weak spot. The best way to get these books banned is clearly to be reading the most explicit parts of them out loud. I’ve been told that some of you think that all this does is create hilarious videos of a homophobic redneck reading the most explicitly gay scenes ever put to paper, but you’re wrong. This will certainly serve to do more than make the authors of these books write even more explicit scenes to get the popularity boost that comes from being read on the Senate floor.”
The letter continues, “It might be over for us; we may be exposed in the near future. Soon, Republicans will fully expose our plot to turn all children transgender in service of our leader Satan. If your constituents ask why you support these books in schools, don’t reveal our end goal of forcible gender reassignment surgeries at birth and every day following for the remainder of natural life.”
Some Democrats, however, aren’t taking the threat seriously. They believe that the readings are funny to people who know the details of the situation and aren’t fooled by what they see as a ridiculous tactic that will only work on the most pearl-clutching parents in the country.
Other leaked material from Democrats’ internal communications suggests that some are considering sending Republicans letters from fictional aggrieved parents.
One letter reads, “Hello, my name Mary-Beth Reba Dixon and I work as a librarian in Gaysleave, Georgia. I’m writing to you because liberals are complaining that the books in our library aren’t gay enough. Activists have been replacing books with versions of them that include homoerotic scenes. My husband is reporting on the story now for his blog, ‘Make Books Straight Again.’ I found a copy of ‘The Gay Gatsby’ under some towels while I was cleaning our cabinets, and I became more disgusted with every turn of those sticky pages. Do something now.”
Republicans in Kinbreed, Kentucky, have just passed a city ordinance that replaced any LGBTQ+ books, TV shows and films in the school library or the curriculum of some classes with straight versions of them.
“This Book is Not Gay” has replaced the Juno Dawson-authored original “This Book is Gay.”
“Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” has been replaced by “Straighter Eye for the Straight Guy,” a show about straight guys who’s wardrobes have gone over their monthly bright color allotment and lost masculinity points for it. Other straight men come in and help them dress more like they repress their emotional issues by distracting themselves with football.
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“Dog Day Afternoon,” the movie featuring Al Pacino’s character robbing a bank to pay for his partner’s gender confirmation surgery, has been edited so that, instead, his character is paying for a breast augmentation surgery.
Republicans have masterminded a foolproof plan that will make society 100% straight and cisgender as early as 2030 by some estimates. Democrats should be concerned about this impending reality.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
