It’s that time of year again! Students in Baton Rouge can start to detect the distinctive smell of the beach: a weird mix of coconut scented tanning lotion and lube.
Despite the fact that you should have started dieting two years ago, we still have a chance to put our best sneaker-clad foot forward and earn the perfect beach body!
The Funyon has developed a series of ideas to help you along the way, complete with hot tips and ways of making people think you’re actually worth something because you don’t look terrible in a swimsuit!
(Now, remember first to keep your goals in a realistic place… So expect nothing short of perfection. Otherwise you will be not only a disappointment to yourself, but to everyone who has to see you.)
With that in mind, it’s time to talk food! Many would recommend the Paleo diet. Let me tell you, nothing is more rewarding than scavenging your own prey to kill with your bare hands. It’s also a solid exercise, complete with cardio and strength training. And what a great way to start the day!
My favorite diet, however would be the super-ultimate vegan diet. It’s much more lean than the Paleo diet, and very earth-friendly! The key is to harness all of your energy through photosynthesis, simply by injecting chlorophyll and chloroplasts into your body– and did I mention how low-calorie it is? Dr. Oz himself is a huge fan. Plus it’s a great reason to lie out in the sun and start working on your luxuriously tanned skin cancer growths!
What would diet be without exercise? Just diet. So before Spring Break rolls around make sure you get toned in all the right places… and maybe even shed a few pounds!
The go-to way is to sell or donate unnecessary limbs and organs. One arm is more than enough, so go ahead and rid yourself of the extra bulk by using simple sawing tools. Don’t forget, Pinterest has hundreds of recommendations for how to repurpose your unused limbs and organs for decorative and useful household functions!
Another route would be to pick up street fighting. Get those arms toned and throw whatever bulky item you can find to defeat your nemesis! Hearty laughs will also help shape your abs as you use the skulls of your enemies as festive goblets.
So get up and go photosynthesize today!
The preceding was a work of satire. Please diet responsibly. You’re beautiful. You’re beau-ti-ful. You’re beautiful; it’s true.
