Pumpkin spice lattes, oversized sweatshirts and “It’s Fall, Y’all!” Instagram captions — Oh my!
With summer coming to a close, the average white person’s favorite season is upon us. That’s right. Hide your kids and hide your wives because fall is right around the corner.
What used to be a period of time Americans could look forward to has become a dreadful season where white culture reigns supreme.
“What is white culture exactly?”
White culture is the seemingly endless line at Starbucks every day caused by white people craving pumpkin flavored coffees and cakes. Why are white people so obsessed with pumpkins anyway? Are we Pilgrims?
White culture is the obnoxious amount of females who think leggings are the equivalent of pants. I understand that the weather gets too cold for the standard Nike shorts — which look like diapers — but leggings and pants are not interchangeable. And are they really keeping anyone warm? Are leggings fleece-lined? How much body heat is one really retaining by wearing leggings instead of pants?
Furthermore, why do white people think it’s acceptable to wear athletic apparel for every occasion during the fall? It’s insulting that non-athletes are constantly frolicking around campus in outfits they likely went to Tigerland in when faculty and staff are upheld by a dress code.
“I’m here to get an education. Who cares what I look like?” white people retort in their defense with last night’s makeup smeared across their face. A person shouldn’t have to dress nicely to feel great about themselves, but no rational human being can seriously admit to feeling an inkling of self-worth lampshading in Nike shorts and an oversized sweatshirt.
Apparently, looking like a hobo is the proper way to show up to class.
The only time white people seem to shed their faux-workout clothes is on Saturdays for a home game. A leisurely stroll through the Parade Ground will show most fans wearing purple, gold or tiger print clothing items. But upon closer inspection, it becomes apparent there’s more than meets the eye.
What appeared to be tiger print will occasionally be cheetah or leopard print clothing. Last time I checked, LSU’s mascot wasn’t a cheetah or a leopard. It’s quite possible that not all white people are capable of seeing prints due to some sort of mutation.
I understand people are trying to do their thing during the fall, #YOLO. Of course we all love the cooler weather after nearly suffering heat strokes during the summer. Sure, sometimes a toasty beverage is the perfect way to warm up and get some studying done. But it’s almost like white people do things because they see other white people doing it. Does anyone actually enjoy any of these things?
White people need to stop and consider the people they are affecting on a daily basis.
Maybe professors are tired of mistaking white students for homeless people asking for change. Perhaps the football players would have completed a play more effectively had they not been blinded by a white person’s cheetah print ensemble. I’m sure Starbucks employees would even be a bit more cheerful if they weren’t having to pick fresh pumpkins to meet the demands of white people’s needs.
White people need to be stopped.
With great power comes great responsibility. Just because white people have the ability to ruin fall for everyone, doesn’t mean they should. #SaveFall2015 and #StopWhitePeople.
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @SirJohnGavin.