Barack Obama and John McCain finally agree on something.Entertainment Weekly recently reported both presidential candidates’ favorite superhero. Both picked Batman — which is odd because the new Batman is, for lack of a better term, a conservative’s wet dream.That’s right. Batman is a closet Republican.But just like all wet dreams, you wake up disappointed and sticky. The story is rooted in fantasy, and experts pushing this parable makes it appear that conservative politics are only applicable in a fantastic world.Various right-wing bloggers and commentators have been claiming this conservatism since “The Dark Knight” was released, citing the film’s many conservative themes.This mildly retarded development has the potential to not only make McCain interesting, but to also make Dick Cheney less like Darth Vader and more like Robin.The villain in this latest superhero flick is Heath Ledger’s “Joker,” a terrorist driven more by ideology and chaos than money and evil in an orderly, modern world.”They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with,” said Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred. “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”The Joker employs a violent portion of society’s ignored population and forces followers to become suicide bombers.Batman’s determination and less-than-legal tactics force a mass reduction in crime and offer a glimpse into a future without terrorism. Gotham’s fearless white knight and new District Attorney attempts to fill the legal void necessary to prosecute criminals in a just society.As a seemingly unwinnable war takes shape, citizens’ attempt to appease the Joker breeds yet more violent tactics and radical demands — an appeasement the Dark Knight stubbornly rejects.Batman has the fortitude to confront the enemy with unconventional measures that supersede the powers citizens grant to governments in a democracy.At one point, Batman covertly invades a sovereign country harboring a financial backer of terrorism and serves him the old-fashioned, American whoop-ass we Republicans call “justice.”Amen.Batman is a realist who acknowledges sacrifices are necessary and there is no absolute victory in this kind of war. He takes a zero-sum approach in terms of game theory, which means there must be winners and losers.Batman becomes a kind of Julius Caesar or, according to others, George W. Bush — one who will stop at nothing and sacrifice liberty to ensure security. Batman doesn’t bother with democratic elections — he simply takes the responsibility of enforcing order. Batman exempts himself from the rules in order to fight the Joker’s lawlessness, and he successfully defeats the bad guy without becoming one — even though doing this makes him perceived as one.Batman stands above the limits of law and order to rid the streets of terrorists like the Joker. He leaves the destruction of terrorism’s root causes for the government to handle — officials like Harvey Dent.When faced with a kill-or-be-killed situation, Gotham’s citizens passively detach themselves from responsibility and rely on Batman to save them from the consequences of their inaction.Aside from the vast political interpretations of this scene, conservatism reigns supreme — the man with the power and resources to fight does so.Conservatives don’t mention that torturing the Joker, a method employed by Batman and Gotham’s police, is unsuccessful at saving lives because the detainee is motivated by a sincere desire to destroy of way of life.The film forces its viewers to choose between two realistically plausible but equally perplexing choices — side with the law-breaking torturer or the terrorist. After opting for torture, the detainee then releases unreliable information to again stifle his enemies.Conservatives also fail to point out that Batman’s actions, however well-intentioned and productive, are responsible for creating the Joker in the first place. Though Batman is not guilty of a crime against humanity, he is indirectly responsible for them.The blame is partially shifted from the Joker, the man most responsible for violence, to Batman, who forces himself to do what is unpopular but necessary because he bears the responsibility for protecting Gotham.At the end of the day, Batman gets as close as one can to what may be called victory, but in more ways than one, the Joker does too. He killed everyone he was intent on killing and succeeded in turning Gotham’s criminal justice system on its head by forcing heroes to break their own laws and turning the American politician we’re all dying to vote for into a two-faced killing machine consumed by the failures of his idealistic policies.Either way, “The Dark Knight” was the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.—-contact Daniel Lumetta at [email protected]