All my life, I’ve wanted to be president of the United States of America. It’s the American Dream – a kid born in a trailer park can lift himself up by his own bootstraps all the way to the Oval Office. I’ll do anything to win, dear readers – even exploiting my newfound faith when I become Born Again. I want to be “The Gipper” for a new generation. It’s a good dream, an American dream, and I’m going to make it happen. All I have to do is change my voter registration to “Republican.” This ain’t my first rodeo, kids. I ain’t stupid. I wouldn’t say I’m a politics junkie; I just love the cartoons. They’re pretty descriptive. And they all say the same thing: the most important quality a candidate can possess is being “presidential,” and virtually every political pundit tells me that “presidential” is really just code for being “conservative.” So here I am. And I have a dream. I’m going to be the best Republican candidate for president ever. I don’t have the advantages of, say, a Rudy Giuliani or a John McCain. I’m certainly white enough and male enough – none would ever question that, especially if they’ve played basketball with me. What I’m missing is that Republican presidential “it” factor, that thing to separate me from what Newt Gingrich calls the “pathetic” bunch of “pygmies” currently seeking the office. Don’t get me wrong, I respect Sen. McCain. Hell, Giuliani is “America’s Mayor.” They do their thing, I do my thing. But I don’t have enough clout to personally torture a gay Arab abortionist while wrapped in an American flag. I’m pretty sure they could. And that’s why I can’t appeal to the conservative primary base: I’m not the guy who could have the authority to kill a minority. My chances in the Republican primary are slim and none – even Mitt Romney would do better than me. I have to do something “presidential,” and I have to do it while I’m still young enough to build momentum. So here goes. I want to be the newest member of Consuming Fire Fellowship. In your face, LSU – I’m willing to be just another voice decrying the liberal secularist agenda in Free Speech Alley with malice toward most, and charity for the very, very few. And that takes a lot, because I’ve been one of the guys writing that agenda for the past few years. But just like you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, you can’t become president without sacrificing core personal beliefs to appeal to primary voters. Objectively speaking, Consuming Fire isn’t all that offensive. It’s not like they wear blackface or anything. They know what line not to cross. They’re only belittling gay people, liberals and everyone who belongs to a faith that isn’t theirs. I’m not sure I could respect that, but I’d be happy to exploit it for votes. This late in the presidential season, I think joining one of the most radical fundamentalist Christian sects is all I have left to establish my conservative credibility. Barring an “October Surprise” of epic proportions, I’m effectively dead in the water. And it’s not like I’ll be all that out of place, really. I work for The Daily Reveille, after all. Our fair paper’s anti-gay agenda has already been adroitly pointed out by the “Gay Mafia,” so I doubt my columns will even stand out much. Our dear editors seem to have survived the worst without altering their daily routines all that much, so I should be fine. On the bright side, given society’s obsession with turning the LGBT community into America’s newest set of sitcom minstrels, people might think I’m funnier. OK, maybe not that. I might want to be Consuming Fire’s newest pledge, but I’m not crazy. So I’ll leave you with this: Republican politics needs me, and it needs me to do whatever it takes to succeed. I’ve been called to preach, and as Phillips Brooks once said, preaching is “truth through personality.” If all it takes to preach truthful things is force of personality, then sign me up and give me my sandwich board. I’m ready and raring to go. Personality’s really all I got to offer. Make no mistake – I’m not above converting to a religion to prove a point. I’m not above exploiting faith to make a point. That’s why I have everything it takes to be America’s next Republican president.
—-Contact Neal Hebert at [email protected]