My name is Ryan, and I’m an Opraholic.
And on May 25, I’ll begin having severe withdrawals as “The Oprah Winfrey Show” airs its final original episode after 25 seasons.
How will I know what books to read? Where else can I get someone’s favorite things for free? Who will tell us who to elect as president?
Daytime television will be a different place after Oprah. And though she’s responsible for some things I’d like to forget (that means you, Dr. Phil), no one can deny the serious impact The Big O has had on pop culture.
I realize there are people who don’t like Oprah. They may even (God forbid) hate our patron saint of billionaires. And I can see where they’re coming from.
Sure, she often cuts off her guests. Yes, she never met a vowel she couldn’t stretch while shouting. And I can’t disagree it was a little obnoxious to name her production company Harpo — her first name in reverse.
But the good outweighs the bad. Where would we be without Oprah? We never would have met her BFF, Gayle. We wouldn’t know why we can’t trust James Frey. And we’d be a lot more confused about Tom Cruise’s dizzying tumble into the strangeness of Scientology if we hadn’t seen him jump on Oprah’s couch first.
And if you need another reason not to hate Oprah, just be aware of the fact that she could smother you with hundred dollar bills.
Whether you like Ms. Winfrey or not, she’s an irreplaceable personality. She’s an important agenda-setter among her massive audience, and her high-profile philanthropy has made an important impact around the globe.
Her influence been studied by credible researchers. Her powerful ability to drive business — dubbed “The Oprah Effect” — is real, and it’s obvious in the weight she carries in the publishing world through her famous book club.
The tao of Oprah is so widely recognized that a Yale professor of religious studies recently published a book drawing conclusions about Oprah as a religious figure.
The book, “Oprah: The Gospel of an Icon,” uses more than 1,000 “Oprah Winfrey Show” transcripts to analyze the talk show queen, and the author writes she “utilizes the same rhythmic speech patterns used by southern preachers and employs a sermon-like structure for each show.”
I’m not saying I plan to kneel at the altar of Oprah anytime soon, but just think about how delicious her diamond-encrusted Eucharist would be.
So you can understand why I’ll be wearing all black and
carrying a box of Kleenex on May 25. Of course, we’ll still have her new cable channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network (or at least I would if Cox Communications would just pony up and include it in my basic cable package).
But most of the shows on OWN don’t even feature Oprah, and no matter how big Wynonna Judd’s hair is, a reality show about her and her mother will never satisfy my appetite for Winfrey.
So I’ll soak up every bit of Oprah until her swan song comes. But even after the show is over, I know she’ll still be around.
Oprah is like Albus Dumbledore — she’ll only be gone when none are loyal to her. And that will be never. After nuclear winter, there will be cockroaches and Oprah Winfrey.
 
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