I have exciting news today. I’ve solved our economic woes.
It all started this morning. I jumped out of my American-made bed, changed out of my red pajamas — the ones with the elephants — and headed into the kitchen for breakfast, greeted by the dawn’s early light.
While enjoying my delicious steak and egg breakfast, I remembered something I’d heard in church Sunday: “Only two men can change a inmates.”
You can’t please these people. You want to cut a little spending by trimming medicine to the elderly, and they gripe. Finally they get their social-program handouts into the prisons, and even the Judge doesn’t understand the Constitution.
The founding fathers would be disgusted.
Well, finishing my breakfast — which I paid for myself because I don’t get handouts — I firmly settled on Tenant One of what I’m calling the Graham Plan, which I’m also calling the “Do You Love Your Children? Plan”: Make it rain on the Churches.
As I cranked up my Humvee and made sure all my bumper stickers were intact, I looked up to the sky. How silly it is that people out there believe my little old car could hurt the very air under the bald eagle’s wings. Then it hit me. If climate scientists can’t see the evidence (or lack thereof) and listen to reason, they can find money somewhere else. We don’t need to pay for any more of this evolution and global warming nonsense. Cut ‘em loose.
On the way to class, I looked down on several homeless drifters. I couldn’t hear what they were mumbling over my louder-than-life “Star Spangled Banner” playing, but I can imagine what they were saying, “Give us more free stuff. We’re like this because we hate to work!”
Social programs? Handouts? Not on my watch. Not unless it’s passing through the church first.
I headed to work after going to my intro to biology class — what a joke that was. There, while I was reflecting on the homeless I’d seen earlier and the minimum-wage entry-level employees we keep on staff to scrub the trash cans, it hit me. We need to remove the minimum wage. Seven dollars is far too much to pay someone for menial work.
The problem started in 1938, when the government — surprise, surprise — destroyed the nation’s economy by refusing to let business owners freely negotiate wage contracts with employees. How much? A generous 25 cents. For the same amount of work, people now make $7.25 or more. What a joke.
Cut social programs like the life-destroying Planned Parenthood machine, Medicare and Social Security; increase funding to the churches; cut all evolution and climate research; kill the minimum wage (and unions) and default on the debt so we can start fresh in the twilight’s last gleaming.
My plan is so good, in fact, that even as I simply outlined the idea yesterday, the DOW Jones rose a whopping 0.34 percent — a full 37 points, no thanks to Obama, of course.
Let’s enact the Graham Plan for a better America. The Heartland. The People.
And by the way, if you support the Graham Plan, you may have very well lost your mind.
 
Devin Graham is a 22-year-old economics senior from Prairieville. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_DGraham.
 
 
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Contact Devin Graham at [email protected]