This article is satire and meant purely for the reader’s
enjoyment.
AMC Entertainment CEO Adam Aron announced the chain’s plans to create new theaters geared toward millennial customers.
The new, millennial-friendly screening rooms will feature an open-texting policy, allowing moviegoers to text freely throughout the film. The policy does not require self-entitled teens to lower the brightness settings on their smartphones.
Millennials will even be allowed to illegally record the movie on their smartphones in order to watch it later. 
“Sometimes those kids are too hyped up on Snickers and meth to comprehend the latest Marvel movie,” Aron said. “This would give those kids the chance to digest the movie at a  pace they’re accustomed to.”
Another feature will have psychiatrists on staff to provide therapy sessions to
victimized millennials.
“Look, they have it really hard. I mean, they’re expected to go into a theater without their phones,” Aron said. “We might as well ask them to cut off their right arms. We need to stop expecting them to have manners. This isn’t Nazi
Germany.”
The announcement comes after a year of record profits following the chain’s installation of reclining seats and the introduction of bars at their theaters. 
Financial analysts predict the proposed theaters will cause the profits to turn losses. The official Twitter account for The Wall Street Journal tweeted, “WTF,” with a link to AMC’s announcement.
Several movie studios and producers have already responded negatively to AMC’s proposals and threatened to pull their films from the chain.
“Making money is more important to us than these brats and their safe spaces,” director and producer Michael Bay said. “I hope their safe spaces get destroyed in the next
Transformers sequel.”
While the film industry has reacted negatively to the changes, presidential candidate and hip grandmother Hillary Clinton said she is looking forward to
them.
“Listen, if millennials want this, then that’s what they’re going to get,” Clinton said. “Who knows? Maybe we can even put a few voting booths in these things.”
Clinton plans to hold a rally at a local AMC in Brooklyn ahead of Tuesday’s primary in New York. The rally will feature free popcorn and self-help pop singer Demi Lovato.
“Come to me, my children,” Clinton said before laughing maniacally.
 John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville,  Louisiana.