This article is satire and purely meant for the reader’s enjoyment.
Louisiana is raising taxes on everything and cutting out exemptions. It is feeling like a twisted episode of Oprah — You get a tax! You get a tax! Everyone gets taxes!
There is a better solution to the state’s tax problems. Louisiana should place a tax on people who raise taxes.
By placing a tax on the state representatives and senators, the taxes they place on others will create a tax on themselves. The new tax would have to be large enough to fix the state’s problems, so a 10 percent increase per politician should work.
If politicians have a problem paying their taxes or if they cannot afford to pay them, prison seems like the best option. Fortunately, only those who vote in favor of tax increases or propose them will have their taxes raised.
It wouldn’t be fair to raise taxes on the politicians who oppose taxes in the first place. If successful, the tax on taxes could go to the national level, creating a new level of federal income.
No one usually goes into politics for the money, so making politicians pay for their bills and laws could even go past taxes. On a national level, making politicians pay for their failed government-funded programs themselves will quickly pay off federal debt, especially with the Affordable Care Act in place.
Considering how much socialists like taxes and conservatives like balanced budgets, taxing the government’s failures seems like the right thing to do. We can tax supporters of illegal immigration, supporters of failed social programs like Social Security and criminal offenders.
Socialists love to spread the wealth, so having taxes on socialist politicians and everything wrong with socialism should be exactly what they want! Nothing says ideology like being the first ones to step forth and actually practice it.
Unfortunately, politicians might start to unionize or protest the taxes, but we can tax them even more in response. We may need to implement a tax for Donald Trump supporters as well because we’ll see a spike in brain aneurysms if he is elected president.
If Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders manage to snag the presidency, a national surplus will be created by the failed policy tax. Everyone will have enough money to pay more taxes!
Sadly, if Ted Cruz were to win, there would be a significant drop in tax revenue and a lot of unhappy socialists. We wouldn’t want to upset them.
Eventually, America will become great again by taxing away all the bad ideas that simply don’t work. Some might say we can balance the budget in other ways. But, if I have learned anything from Democrats, it’s that taxes are always the answer.
Garrett Marcel is a 22-year-old petroleum engineering senior from Houma, Louisiana.