As he strode onto the stage in New Hampshire after his third place finish, presidential candidate and marshmallow-faced toddler Ted Cruz had the swagger of Snoop Dogg on steroids.
The former Texas Solicitor General and current U.S. Senate troll placed first in the Iowa caucuses. Cruz’s team attributes the rousing success to a controversial piece of campaign mail, threatening potential Cruz voters with an imaginary “election violation” if they didn’t caucus.
“I am blessed, BLESSED I tell you, to announce our new campaign slogan based off our successes in Iowa and the great state of New Hampshire,” Cruz said. “People need to know about our mission to reverse the failures of the Barack Hussein Obama presidency whether they like it or not!”
Cruz pointed what appeared to be a pistol at the crowd and winked as a volunteer unveiled a banner emblazoned with the campaign’s new rallying cry: TrusTed … OR ELSE!
“With this revamped slogan, nobody will forget what happens when they mess with Texas,” Cruz shouted. “I don’t reserve carpet bombing just for Islamic State.”
Campaign manager Jeff Roe said the move to the new slogan was an attempt to show the passion and fervor of Cruz.
“Look, the guy is committed,” Roe said. “I’m not saying he’d do anything to win the presidency, but let’s just say I haven’t seen Rand Paul since he ‘dropped out’ of the race. How do you think he got elected? Grassroots support? HA!”
Many political spectators thought Cruz’s abysmal reputation among his Congressional colleagues would spur a backlash, but his opponents have yet to make any public statements on the matter.
“What do you mean I said ‘I can’t stand Ted Cruz’s smug mug’?,” former Speaker of the House John Boehner said in an interview from an undisclosed location. “Please don’t tell anyone I don’t like him, I have a wife and kids,” Boehner said, visibly shivering at the thought of Cruz’s campaign goons.
Sen. David Vitter, R-La., couldn’t be reached for an interview. Those close to him report he packed his diapers and fled the country.
The only person unafraid of Cruz is celebrity CEO and international toupee model Donald Trump. The current frontrunner in most polls outright mocks and name-calls Cruz on a regular basis, with no fear of retaliation.
“I heard this guy Cruz,” Trump said. “You know him? Yeah, so he’s walking around like he’s got balls bigger than Pluto. I told him at the debate though, did you hear this one? I told him Pluto’s not a planet anymore! Seriously, the guy’s got no balls. He’s a like a ball black hole, he needs to go to Ball-Mart!”
Senior advisor to Cruz, Nick Muzin, said Trump needs to watch his back if he values his toupee and wants to stay in the race.
Jack Richards is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from New Orleans, Louisiana.