This article is purely satire and meant only for the readers’ enjoyment.
Presidential candidate and self-declared winner Donald Trump said he will host his own debate this weekend in Des Moines, Iowa because he could not stand to be in the same building as low-energy koala and Gov. Jeb Bush.
Trump’s debate will be held at 7 p.m. on Saturday at the Hy-Vee Hall, a prominent convention center in downtown Des Moines — though not nearly as prominent as the Trump Tower Donald plans to build once he bulldozes the White House.
The debate will be moderated by Trump supporter and prominent schizophrenic, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who was present during Trump’s announcement Wednesday afternoon.
“You betcha we’re gonna play by all of President Trump’s rules,” Palin said. “We won’t be asking any of those ‘gotcha’ questions the lame-stream media at Fox News is known for. Especially questions on geography. Man, those are the ones that getcha!”
Palin also declared Trump’s private debate will be an event for all Americans who dropped out of high school.
“Whether you’re a gun owner, a gay lover or a border hopper, this is the debate for you,” Palin said before being removed from the stage.
“Please make sure to watch my new Travel Channel special, ‘Sarah Palin Gets Lost in Iowa,’” Palin yelled as security carried her away.
“That woman is great,” Trump said of Palin. “She’s like a slice of apple pie. Nice lady.”
When asked why he wasn’t attending Thursday night’s GOP debate, Trump cited journalist Megyn Kelly’s involvement with Fox News as the reason for holding his own debate.
Kelly tweeted a laughing emoji followed by a sassy emoji of paint drying on fingernails shortly after Trump’s announcement. Kelly’s spokesperson said the emojis are her only comment on the matter.
The announcement comes after a week of heated public statements between Trump and executives from Fox News.
“She doesn’t want to make America great again,” Trump said of Kelly. “I ran a poll. She’s a loser. It’s sad. Pathetic really. Jeb Bush can have her.”
“We’re gonna have a nice show. I’ve got a drag queen pretending to be former Secretary of State and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and a toddler wearing a ‘Jeb!’ shirt. It’ll be a good time,” Trump said. “The ratings will be great.”
When asked which network will be airing Trump’s debate, he responded, “whichever one I own.”
As of this writing, Donald Trump does not own a television network nor has a network stepped forward to air Trump’s debate.
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @SirJohnGavin.