As I lounged in my apartment over Mardi Gras break, being pampered by my harem of homosexuals, it occurred to me that perhaps I have been unfair to the opponents of gay marriage.
It always concerns me, for example, when liberal activist judges overrule the will of the people — be it the handpicking of the “president” in the 2000 election or when the populace is prevented from relegating people to second-class citizenship based on how icky they seem. With the spirit of true democracy in mind, I re-evaluated the issue.
I considered how offensive it is that militant homosexuals and their pansy liberal brethren are paying attention to the dangerous notions of freedom and equality. Individual state populations should alone decide what is right and proper within their borders. Unless, of course, gays are involved – then the feds should be in control. Until the federal agenda turns pro-queer, that is. In that case, liberal activist judges may not be so bad after all.
As this is a prevailing view of most same-sex marriage opponents, perhaps a retroactive non-implementation of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 would be an appropriate addition to their agenda. Why should Northerners be able to impose their values on regions with which they are grossly unfamiliar, like Mississippi and Georgia? Those in Selma, Alabama should have carried on denying blacks the vote and beating protesters with clubs until they themselves deemed it necessary to stop.
It is irrelevant that marriage has never been static and has evolved constantly with the material circumstances of history. Traditions, no matter how baseless, must be promoted and upheld by the state at all costs. Some grand American traditions that we should consider reviving and promoting include child labor, oppression and disenfranchisement of women, African slavery, and Native American genocide.
Now armed with an understanding of the anti-gay marriage crowd’s very substantive viewpoints, I struggled to devise a solution of compromise. How can we preserve the sanctity of marriage while upholding the enlightenment ideal of equal protection under the law? The answer became clear: since we believe in equal protection but hate homosexuals, marriage should be abolished at once. The only way to save marriage is to destroy it.
Until marriage is abolished we have no choice: every homosexual must be paired with a heterosexual of the opposite gender and be wed immediately. Interracial, gender-bending marriages, which weed out undesirable from procreative relationships, are especially encouraged. Honeymoons will focus on praying away the gay rather than consummation.
The hetero/homo marriage is merely a temporary arrangement for the transition into a marriage-free society. Of course, without marriage there can be no sex. Birth control, abortion, and the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry will have to be outlawed, but these are mere casualties on the path to the restoration of America’s glory. Celibate for life, just as the Founding Fathers intended.
With celibacy on the march, our pristine virginal virtue will serve as a beacon for freedom around the world. “Hey,” America would scream, “we live in a society where we have the freedom and liberty to put devotion to God above devotion to loins! ”
Iran, we’re talking to you. You too, North Korea.
Gay marriage, one of the highest and most visible stakes of the American culture war, will likely be remembered as the greatest political sham of our era. In his latest State of the Union address, President Bush reaffirmed his commitment to a constitutional amendment protecting the institution of marriage. Curiously, no mention was made of Osama bin Laden or Iraq’s nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. But this is as it should be: America’s most dangerous threat does not come from its blunders abroad, but from traitors in its midst – men in Vera Wang wedding gowns. You tell ‘em, George.
Mr. President, I call on you on behalf of all Americans to lead the fight against homosexual fidelity – the single greatest threat to our great nation and all it stands for. We are behind you. But not in that way.