Attention misogynists: Before you take your sorry butts over to Bryan Wideman’s column in Sports, read this column.
Attention women Bryan ‘doesn’t need until February:’ Do not date this man. (Or, at least hold out on him until next football season.)
If he tries to bust a move on you, just say, “Why Bry-Bry, I thought your 13-inch Sony and the Sportscenter staff were keeping you warm tonight.”
In honor of Bryan’s load of crap, I’m going double-X on y’all today.
And trust me, a sleep-deprived female humor columnist can make Vin Diesel run home to Mommy with his tail between his legs.
So, women-haters, let me enlighten you.
1. If your life, like sad little Bryan’s, revolves that much about sports, you’re a loser.
2. If a woman is uninterested in football and sits down to watch a game with you, consider it an honor that she takes time out of the things she wants to do to spend time with you.
3. Some women enjoy football. Some even know more about it than you. Breasts do not render a human sports-illiterate.
4. An inability to communicate about many interesting topics greatly reduces your chances of ever getting a cool woman to acknowledge your existence.
If you can recite every LSU quarterback since 1927, but you can’t talk with woman about art, literature, politics, film, current events, business or at least one other interesting topic, chances are you’ll end up old, bald, ugly and alone.
5. Your “boys” are idiots and you are who you hang out with.
6. If you love football so much, why don’t you play?
Oh, that’s right, you’re not good enough.
7. Pop Quiz: Who’s not getting laid until Corbello gets the Heisman? (Hint: Rhymes with “Cryin’ Tidepan”)
8. If a woman comments on the color of the players’ uniforms, she is attempting to teach you something — like orange and diarrhea brown should not be in your wardrobe.
9. If a night of TV is more fun than taking a woman out, you are dating the wrong women … or you’re just a loser.
10. You too will have to dance with the girl with fat ankles if you don’t treat a woman nicely.
11. Final Thought: If Bryan gets lonely over his next few months of solitude, he can always cuddle up with Dave Theard like he does in the Picks of the Week box every Friday. (See page 10.) Sorry, Dave.
Off the cuff
By Rebekah Monson
November 15, 2002
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