Christmas time is here again. And not a minute too soon, if every shopping mall, supermarket and elevator has anything to say about it.
Maybe it’s the lag and drag of fall semester’s final stretch, but ever notice how the commercial constructs of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to blend together? I enjoy these autumnal festivities individually, but pretty soon they’ll just be one giant holiday.
I can see it now. A pot-bellied turkey dressed in a red suit and Pokemon mask hurls cranberry sauce and candied corn at young ghouls who walk from house to house singing “O Holy Night.”
But with our annual day of feasting and football behind us, many poor college students are looking for innovative gifts to give friends and loved ones this holiday season. Known as stocking stuffers — or as my mother says, “stuffing stockers” — here are a few items you may or may not want to use to fill those ogre-sized fuzzy socks.
For the paranoid: a portable lie detector from Gadgets.com. Only $59.95 will give your high-strung pal a little peace of mind as he scientifically measures stress levels in vocal responses. Unfortunately the reply, “No, I will not come over and watch ‘X-Files’ with you,” will forever ring true.
For the carnivore: Rudy’s “Bar-BQ Sause.” This Austin eatery boasts the sweetest rib gravy in the galaxy. 32 oz. bottles can be ordered from (512) 329-5554 for only $7.95 plus shipping.
For the criminally sedentary: the Segway Human Transporter. Revealed last Christmas as the mysterious “It,” this self-balancing “people mover” is already being protested as hazardous to pedestrians. For a mere $3,000 you too can experience the rush of buyers’ remorse.
For dad: a blast from the Rolling Stones’ past. ABKCO re-released every Stones ’60s album on dual-layer Super Audio CD. In laymen’s terms, they sound infinitely better than pop’s scratched vinyl. 1965’s raucous “High Tide and Green Grass” and 1968’s roots rock “Beggar’s Banquet” are essential.
For the girl who has everything: a piece of the moon. That’s right, the UK’s MoonEstates.com is selling one-acre plots on the lunar surface for around $30. It’s a steal of a deal, but what may seem like a sketchy prospect is based on some fact. The UN’s 1984 Moon Treaty was vetoed by space-faring nations like the U.S. and Russia who feared the law would inhibit the exploitation of celestial “assets” for commercial profit motives.
One catch, you can’t charge NASA for landing on your property.
“It’s an amazing feeling to look at the moon and think, ‘That’s my bit!'” Sian Tabberer writes on IWantOneofThose.com. But I bet the first moron to actually visit his lunar yard takes one step out of the Eagle and says, “Oh cool, a Starbuck’s!”
For the obsessive compulsive: Gizmo’s “Arse/Face Towel.” Each side of the towel is color-coded, white for face and navy for arse. Don’t forget which is which! And don’t forget to pack some fireworks, because New Year’s is just around the corner.
The moral of the story is if you look hard enough there’s a perfect give for everyone. But the best gift is always a good friend. So find someone you care about and wish them a merry Christmas.