“I have come to seek the wisdom of the Rev. Mohammed Burnstein, CPA,” I told the lady hanging the letters of a new phrase on the billboard-size sign in front of the Church/crisis pregnancy center.
“He’s at lunch,” she said. “You’re welcome to stick around. He’ll be back in a jiff.”
So I sat on the steps of the warehouse-turned-tin-roofed-cathedral, and waited for the good Reverend while the new phrase began to take shape: God spelled backwards is dog, and dog is man’s best friend.
I don’t quite get it.
Just then a late ’80s Cadillac pulled into the gravel lot; coming to a screeching stop in front of a sign reserving the parking spot for “The Rev. Father.”
The door swung open, and out stepped a man who was dressed like DeNiro in “Casino” with a few noticeable differences.
He was wearing a well-cut black, pinstriped suit with matching yarmulke, a blue stone glued to his forehead, a rosary hanging from his belt, a beard that looked like he hadn’t shaved since puberty, and a tie that read vertically, “God is my co-pilot.”
I think I even saw an ornate dagger shoved in the waist of his trousers.
“Here to talk ’bout your unplanned pregnancy?” he asked as he approached me.
“No,” I replied in the deepest voice I could muster.
“Oh, sorry,” he chuckled. “Well, why ya here?”
“I’m actually here to ask you a question,” I said.
“Shoot,” he replied, drawing air guns from make-believe holsters.
Flinching a bit, I managed to ask, “What does it mean to be a ‘turn the water on when peeing person’ ?”
“If I had a dollar every time I was asked that question, I … well, I’d probably be drivin’ an early ’90s Deville instead of that ol’ piece of junk.”
“So you have the answer?”
“Well, of course, my son. I’m not an ordained minister, priest, Rabbi, Imam, Mormon Bishop and representative of countless other religious organizations fer nothin’. Not to mention a certified unplanned pregnancy counselor and a CPA. Having trouble with yer taxes, son?”
“Uh, no I don’t guess, I just want to know the answer to the question I asked,” I said.
“You water on when peeing people are so impatient. I know, I married one.”
“Well?” I asked.
“Ok, it means that subconsciously yer searching for something more to life than just life, and ya don’t want anyone to find out yer lack of fulfillment, so ya hide behind the running water. Kinda like Spider-Man. I love that dern kid. ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ Good quote.”
More confused than ever, I asked, “How do I find my fulfillment?”
“I dunno,” he said scratching his head, “no one’s ever asked that … did you ask Jeeves?”