Hello all. As promised, I have compiled a few letters from faithful Cuff Readers in dire need of a little Cuff wisdom. Enjoy.
Dearest Anna,
What would it take for a lowly conservative like myself to hook up (translated: “hop into bed”) with you? I think you’re really hot stuff. – Big C
Gentle Cuff Reader,
Thanks for that translation. We here in Cufftopia are out of touch with what’s hip and often miss out on a lot of interesting conversation because we cannot keep up with the slang.
I’m going to take a stab and guess that you’re male. I don’t want to, but based on the typical gender that accompanies your name (which I did not print) I have no choice. This fact is going to deeply impact my response.
In order for us to become physically intimate, you would first need to extricate yourself from the conservative lifestyle. I know this is difficult, but if I’m as hot as you say I am (and I am) this shift in political views would be worth the effort.
But I am leading you on. Unfortunately for you, I am a Lesbyterian. No amount of whining, wheedling, or wishing will buy you a ticket to the Anna B land ‘o’ lovin’.
There is, of course, one option. If you so desired, I could put you in contact with an extremely talented physician who could transform your less-than-adequate male body into a much more satisfying female form.
But alas, I feel that this would only lead to pain and suffering. We would probably share one blissful night together and then I would most likely never call again and leave you asking “Why, Cuff gods? Why did she have to hurt me like that?”
Sorry, Big C. Maybe in the next life.
Dear Anna,
Yesterday I woke up and I couldn’t find my virginity. I’ve looked everywhere. Under the bed, in the sock drawer, the bottom of my dear friend Jose Cuervo-I even checked the bar where I was last night. It seems to have vanished. Do you have any idea where it might be? I feel so lonely without it. — Deflowered in Iowa
Dear Cuff Reader,
I have no idea where your virginity went. I am usually able to retrieve mine from the bottom of the Jose Cuervo bottle. I am miffed that this method has eluded you.
May I suggest making your way down to your local non-denominational church? I’ve heard of a virginity-recovery program spreading like hot, holy wildfire across this country.
If that doesn’t work, you may want to send a self addressed envelope and 500 dollars to my personal address.
Keep sending those questions in, folks and I’ll keep providing you with priceless kernels of Cuffery.