Graduates, most of you came to LSU four years ago with expectations that college would bring a better love life.
But, when thousands of sexually-charged students are mixed with large amounts of alcohol, expectations are bound to become unfulfilled.
Girls, we came to college with more excitement than when Whoopi discovered Slim Fast. To us, college was supposed to be the place where we were going to meet “the one.” We thought once we got to college we would be wined and dined — a Natty and Domino’s will do.
It’s not our fault. We were bred to think this way. As little girls, we grew up watching Disney movies about a princess being rescued by her handsome prince and living happily ever after.
Our arrival at college demolishes our fairy-tale life. Now it seems every time we meet a guy and bring up the future he’s gone faster than Ricky Martin’s singing career.
Guys, y’all come to college with a lot of excitement, too. However, to you college is the place where all you have to do is give a girl a couple drinks and she’s all over you like you’re Brad Pitt with more than “Seven” in your pants.
You think college is like the movies, too, but the movie you’re basing college life off of is “College Girls Gone Wild.”
It didn’t take you long before you realized that the escapades you fantasized of would have to be lived through Kazaa (which at least you’re able to do now that you’re not living with your mom anymore).
And, so, you and Kazaa sat alone in your apartment, dreaming of a life that never would be accessible to most of you. And, if you dared to venture to ask a girl out, it was usually along the lines of, “Hey, my friends and I are going out if you want to meet up with us.”
Part of the problem was clearly your fault, girls. Guys didn’t need to ask you out. You made yourself more accessible than Mormon churches in Utah. You called boys, met them at their place, put out on the first night and answered the scumbag’s phone call after not hearing from him for two weeks.
But, through the years, boys are maturing more and more every day and they will (if they already haven’t) realize that when it comes to girls, a little bit goes a long way.
And, as for the girls, they too will (or already have) mature and realize that not everyone is going to be perfect. And, although we may not meet prince charming, Quasimodo is just as deserving.
Now, graduates, take what you have learned in and out of the classroom and show the world that y’all can be Tigers in the sack too.