Dear Tim,
I have been dating this girl for two months and everything is going great. The only thing is I can’t get her to sleep with me. What should I do? — “GOT THE BLUES”
Dear “GOT THE BLUES,”
Nothing. For the next few minutes, I will actually look past the fact that this question makes you seem as archaic as the black Michael Jackson. Look, if this girl is as wonderful as you say she is, then it really should be easy for you to look past the fact that she has some semblance of moral standards. What would be different if she did have sex with you? She would be like every other girl you have apparently been with before. Maybe this one is different. Give her a chance. She may actually admire and respect you enough to want a relationship based on something a little more substantial than a romp in the sack. Chances are, if you wait and give her a chance, the sex will come later and it will be better than you ever expected.
Dear Tim,
Please explain the whole “I wear pearls with everything” craze. I think pearls are meant to be worn sparingly. What do you think? — “NOT IN SORORITY”
Dear “NOT IN SORORITY,”
You have recognized what I like to call the “Audrey Hepburn effect.” You have a selection of girls who join certain social organizations and immediately become exposed to this phenomenon. They think accessories like pearls automatically make you graceful and stylish. Thus, you have the girls running around in pearls and gym shorts. But to me, pearls are like testicles for a girl. Some girls feel the need to have unnaturally large pearls and swing them around like she is the model of class and high style. To me, you can’t beat a small, traditional string of pearls with a classic, traditional looking outfit.
Dear Tim,
Brad from the Real World season claims to have a “thick ass eight.” Of course, he is talking about his junk. My friends and I were wondering if that was really possible? How long is the average guy? — “THIS WAS A DARE”
Dear “THIS WAS A DARE,”
From the looks of it, I would say it’s definitely possible. But, in the pursuit of good journalism, I decided to find out what the average guy is packing these days. A recent study done by the University of California’s Alfred C. Kinsey Institute for Sex Research said only one percent of the male population has a penis longer than eight inches. Twenty-four percent of the sample population had a penis that maxed out at six inches. Note for the guys: I know you have tried to measure yourself. Here’s how to make sure you are doing it right. Measure from your body to the end of the tip along the top of your penis.