I had a Q & A guest lined up for this week, but somethingincredible happened to me Tuesday night and I feel it is moreimportant than the professional baseball player who won’tcall me back — no names mentioned…Todd Walker!
My roommate and I were low on groceries so we took a trip to thenew Wal-Mart on College. As we were walking through to thecosmetics section, we were stopped by a Wal-Mart employee whoinformed us Jessica Simpson was in the store. I found it hard tobelieve so I continued my destination to the hair supply aisle. Iturned around to find my roommate — blood completelyrushed out of her face — mouthing to me “There sheis!”
I looked down the aisle and there she was: Jessica Simpson.
Oh my God.
As I tried not to stare, I pretty much gawked and my body becameweak as I looked her down head to toe: green trucker hat, overalls,wife beater, furry boots and no make up. I have never felt so uglyin my life.
I noticed Jessica first, then I realized Casey (her best budfrom the NewlyWeds) was tagging along. Note: For the remainder ofthis article Casey will be referred to as female dog. I don’tlike her. She walks around Jessica praying that a little bit of theattention will fall off on her. She needs to find a real job. Idon’t think “personal manager” really qualifiesher for anything but holding Jessica’s hand during lasersurgery. I stood back to back against Jessica looking for my hairgel, but I was panicking so much I couldn’t even read theproducts.
My roommate and I walked to the next aisle to gain composurewhen I realized my recorder was in my purse.
That’s when the bright idea developed: She can be my Q& A for this week and it will give me an excuse to talk toher!
It took me a few minutes and a push from my roommate to have thenerve to approach her. She was looking at hair barrettes with fakerhinestones. Honey! Get yourself down to Saks in New Orleans andget you some real jewels.
With that, I felt she was on my level and got up the courage tospeak.
Tabby: Jessicaaaa?
(pause: It’s settling in that’s her name.)
Jessica: Yeah?
TS: Hey, I’m a local sports writer and I do a columncalled Q & A and I was wondering if you wanted to be thisweek’s guest?
JS: Q & A Huh???
TS: Yeah
(confused look comes across her face as if searching for what Q& A stands for)
TS: Like I’ll give you the Q’s and you give me theA’s…
JS: Oh, well I’m really busy buying stuff for the househere.
TS: Here? You’re moving here?
JS: Yeah, to shoot the Dukes of Hazard.
TS: Ohhhhh
Female dog comes rushing down the aisle.
Female dog: She’s not going to do that.
TS: (in my head) She can speak for herself, femaledog…maybe.
JS: Yeah, I’m really sorry, I’m just reallybusy.
I walked away completely devastated. How dare you JessicaSimpson and especially you female dog? You are lower than me onthis social scale. You just got lucky by having a rich friend whois too dingy enough to realize you use her.
She had a few fellows with her too. I’m guessing they weresecurity guards but they seemed to be too scrawny to protect andserve. I guess it was a good thing I didn’t take my recorderout of my pocket. They might have thought it was a gun and tackledme.
As I wandered through Wal-Mart, I began collecting my thoughtsfrom this experience. If I ever get Linda Cohn-famous enough tohave someone ask me for a Q & A I would be all for it.
If a cute sports writer who had the blessing of her last namerhyming with Q & A approached me, I would help a fellow writerout. We all have to start out at the bottom, as did you JessicaSimpson.
If I recall correctly, you totally blew the tryouts for theMickey Mouse Club. I guess this is my Mickey Mouse Club experience.But I will find my way to the top and when I do I will know thedifference between chicken and tuna.
Why couldn’t Ashlee have been in Wal-Mart? She would havebeen more cooperative and so much cooler. And no Casey female dogtagging along.
That Ashlee can handle her own.