Editor’s Note: The following column is satire.
President-elect Donald John Trump, former World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) wrestler, appointed Linda McMahon, wife of Vince McMahon and co-owner of the WWE, to the head of the U.S. Department of Education.
In her acceptance speech, McMahon made her plan clear:
“Ok, so you guys all know the movie Fight Club, right?” McMahon said, biting into a soap bar, “It’s gonna be like that, but a whole class. Just imagine the money, I mean, learning opportunities for me. I mean, the kids will have during fight class, they’ll have real-life experiences with fighting before college. It’s great!”
McMahon made it clear that the content of the class will be based on the 1999 movie “Fight Club” and not the book with the same name. McMahon stated that she didn’t understand the book because the main character’s name was never said until the end.
A journalist from “The Onion” asked McMahon how an honors-level fight course would work, and McMahon, in the middle of her soap bar, stated:
“What’s an honors program?” McMahon verbalized through bites of her pink soap bar.
A concerned parent vocalized her concerns over a fight class, worried that her children could potentially be hurt and even killed. Other parents also vocalized their concerns, and when they all said their peace, McMahon took the stage again, with a third of her soap bar remaining, to say:
“Parents, there is no need to worry.” McMahon said, putting her soap down, “I plan on apportioning funding from music and art classes to fund hospital bills for students. Plus, on day one of the class, they’ll learn the only rule of fight class: Don’t talk to your parents about fight class.”
This seemed to reassure the parents, knowing that whatever happens at school happens as long as they don’t bring it home. One of the parents, a dad, who is an avid sports better, asked how he could profit from this new class, and McMahon responded happily, saying:
“Well, you see, the kindergarteners are almost always the underdogs.” McMahon said, “So usually, they have a higher reward if you bet on them. However, they are unlikely to beat any of the other 11 grade levels also taking fight class.”
McMahon was shocked to find out there are actually 13 grades and that kindergarten is before 1st grade. McMahon promises to change this by changing “Kindergarten” to “0th grade,” stating:
“The Germans lost both World Wars; why are we using German anymore anyway?” McMahon retorted, “Plus, this is America; speak American, for God’s sake! If you want to speak any of those commie languages, you can move to Canada.”
In another statement, McMahon wanted to address the elephant in the room, the ending of the “Fight Club” movie, which showcases the main character destroying credit card companies so that people would no longer be in debt.
“Now, I am a very astute businesswoman.” McMahon commented, engulfing the rest of her soap bar, “I know what is and isn’t appropriate for children. Blowing up buildings is not appropriate for kids, so the educational content around the movie Fight Club will end before the last 15 minutes of the movie.”
McMahon’s press conference, originally scheduled to be three hours long, was cut short after an hour because of a call she received. According to reports, WWE announcer Mel Phillips called her for bail money. All that the audience heard from McMahon’s side was: “What was the one thing I told you not to do?”
Andrew Sarhan is an 18-year-old mass communication freshman from Baton Rouge, La.