Another day slides by, and the ever-ticking clock of time continues to change us and wear us down.
For me, the biggest indicators of time’s passage are cultural changes, technological advancements and shifts in fashion. Oh, and presidential elections, can’t forget those.
Obviously, this is symptomatic of my nationality, as is the norm; however, I think the presidential election is a good indicator of time’s movement.
Culture, tech and fashion have major shifts in their progress and style alongside a presidential election, especially if there is a party shift, as is the case for our most recent election.
With this change in America’s highest office, it is natural that we, the people, change with the times to better indicate how our mass culture is going.
Thus, with the election of President Donald Trump, I argue that a major fashion shift is imminent, and it will be compulsory.
Carve up your Y2K crop tops, burn your streetwear baggy jorts and lacerate your lingerie. Take your little tabis and toss ’em into the Red River. And those seductive, downright salacious, tiny little glasses? Put them in a hole with military-grade C-4.
You see, fashion is shifting because culture is shifting. We’re moving away from public expression in the form of the arts, creativity and playing with femininity and masculinity.
Instead, much inspired by President Trump and his mega-MAGA meat-riders, we are going to degrees. This will happen in stages.
We are in the first; soon, MAGA merch will become compulsory. You cannot leave your home without Trump’s branding upon your body. But this is only the first.
Soon after we will reject modernity and embrace tradition, the classic Transatlantic accent might make an appearance in try-hard circles. Suits and corseted gowns for everyone. It will be expensive, and President Trump will say we all look dapper and that he’ll lower the cost (which he never does). Self-expression will be frowned upon, but it won’t stop here.
By year two, I suspect that we will have made a significant jump: suits of gleaming, glittering, glowing armor, maids with hairs in plaits dressed in finery befitting a Queen exclusive, of course, for the Musk and Trump ‘royal’ family and those granted the privilege of wealth and status.
The rest of us will be dressed like peasants, kind of chic in an abstract way but very unpleasant to wear. If you own more than two tunics, you will be seen as wealthy in your hometown.
However, girdles will make a big comeback, which is cool. Consider this my petition for girdles to come back right now because I don’t wanna wait.
By year three, we will have totally regressed into, perhaps, the most fashionable one yet: togas. They are so versatile and oh-so chic.
You can wear it as a scarf, as a dress, or as a bed sheet. Some of Trump’s voters are familiar with wearing white bed sheets, so it shouldn’t be anything new for them. This era will enter a thneed, a la The Lorax, like fashion.
And at about a halfway point between years three and four, we will be wearing cave-man attire. That is to say, not much.
Good hunters will be especially donned in opossum furs, and for us in the south, mayhap a few gator skin skirts. Design elements will be simple, mostly just strips of hides and pelts. Eggs will cost $200. Life will be fine, I guess.
By year four, we will have returned to primordial soup. There was a freak accident; don’t ask questions. If you have doubts in your mind because of the irrationality of my words, you must quiet them. I am an oracle. I know all and see all.
You may be saying, “Why would Americans wear Medieval clothing? That’s not American, and this feels Eurocentric.” To which I reply with a sad smile, a silencing motion and a shaking head.
Garrett McEntee is a 19-year-old English sophomore from Benton.
