Like any college student reeling from fall semester midterms and looking for an excuse to drink, I’m a Halloween fiend. As I tried to procrastinate reading John C. Calhoun’s “Disquisition on Government” — a real thriller, mind you — it occurred to me that my October schedule is chock-a-block with spooky celebrations: this weekend alone, I’m going to three Halloween parties.

What better excuse to avoid saving my GPA than preparing for the scariest night of the year?

And the scariest thing of all: I don’t have any costumes. If I’m going to drink my liver into sepsis, I’m at least going to look cool.

So, sprung into action by my desire to impress the Halloween huzz, I consulted the sage annals of TikTok. Surely, I thought, my favorite social media thirst trappers would lead me to salvation.

My search proved futile.

Almost all of the search results were couples costumes. By the end of my doom scroll, I’d seen no less than 60 20-somethings masquerading as Beast Boy and Raven, Suki and Bullet and Mr. and Mrs. Fox (I also saw a gay couple dressed as the Menendez brothers… no incest for me, thanks).

Naturally, these were useless to me. I’m newly single, so seeing a fleet of foxy foxes only exacerbated my intensifying ennui. Much like Bullet in “Fast and Furious,” I wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic.

But amid the darkest moment of my mid-day crashout, I discovered a diamond in the rough: two college guys dressed as Tucker Carlson and a sexy green M&M.

If the Chinese Communist Party is really using TikTok to brainwash American teenagers, it’s moments like this that make me salute the hammer and sickle.

After sending the video to all four of my friends, I finally found a costume partner. My only regret? That somebody thought to dress as Republicans’ favorite midnight snack before I did. God, I hate it when people are funnier than me.

But my quest for a Halloween costume also taught me a lesson that I hope to impart to you all. As satisfying as it is to look hot on Halloween, sometimes it’s okay to have fun with your costume.

Nobody will remember the fox couple number eight during their Sunday morning hangover. But if I play my cards right, everyone will remember the night I got into my best Carlson drag and tried to seduce my chocolatey friend.

Maybe the Halloween huzz were the friends we made along the way.

Of course, my costume could also go horribly wrong. I suspect that Fred’s collective will be none too keen to laud my performative satire. Gov. Jeff Landry already wants us to build a Charlie Kirk statue. Who’s to say how he’ll feel about me making fun of Nick Fuentes’ Gen X bestie?

Frankly, though, I don’t care.

And that’s the whole point of Halloween: dress how you want, upset who you want and drink as much as you want.

You’ll have much more fun rolling the dice than sticking to the same tired playbook. And hey, you might wind up TikTok famous.

Cade Savoy is a 21-year-old political science and philosophy major from Breaux Bridge, La.