Pigs have flown, Hell has frozen over, and doctors have found Ann Coulter’s heart.
Well, maybe not the last one.
The U.S. Senate has actually reached a bipartisan agreement on immigration reform.
Republicans and Democrats have come to an agreement on something for possibly the first time since we gave a nice, big middle finger to England in that whole Declaration of Independence thing.
The “Gang of Eight” — a group of four Republican and four Democrat senators — is expected to announce Tuesday its proposal for comprehensive immigration reform for the estimated 11 to 12 million illegal immigrants currently in America.
The proposal focuses on providing a clear and fair pathway to citizenship for undocumented workers coming across the border in the hopes of greener jalapeños, as well as working to secure the border.
The bill outlines a 13-year process for illegal immigrants to reach citizenship — being referred to as “probationary citizenship” by the bill’s proponents — and includes provisions of fees and back taxes for time spent in the country illegally as well as not allowing illegal immigrants access to government programs like food stamps or healthcare.
This has been a major breakthrough in public policy for Congress on an issue that has plagued the country for a long time.
So now Congress can focus on bigger issues like the economy and foreign affairs, right?
Unfortunately, not quite.
On top of the fact this is only a proposal that hasn’t even been released yet, the bill has already received harsh discontent from the far right.
Iowa Rep. Steve King claimed the bill is a way for Democrats to give amnesty to what he refers to as “Undocumented Democrats,” and Republicans are only doing this to cater to the Latino vote.
Florida senator and Cuban-American Marco Rubio — the Gang of Eight’s face for the bill — adamantly refuted the claim that the bill’s probationary citizenship is just a sugar-coated way to say amnesty for illegals. This has been the primary attack sourcing out of Rubio’s own party.
But the far right seems to not want any immigrants at all in the country, appearing to believe policies such as self-deportation and mass deportation are real solutions when they aren’t any more of an answer than doing nothing.
However, none of these policies even take effect if it isn’t first determined the border has been secured.
But how is it possible for an appointed board to truly determine how safe a border is? And if one party wishes to block legislation, couldn’t they just convince someone on the board to claim it’s unsafe?
The quantifiable goal the Gang of Eight set is a 90 percent apprehension rate and 100 percent surveillance along the border. First the Department of Homeland Security will attempt this, and if it has not reached the goal after five years, it will be turned over to a border commission made up of local officials from those states most affected.
This would only be an estimate, seeing as there is no way to know the exact number of immigrants sneaking across the border because they’re, you know, doing it illegally.
Rubio tried to combat all of the attacks while touring through the “full Ginsburg” of talk shows Sunday, saying the point of the bill is to make it more difficult for people who enter America illegally to become citizens than those who stay in their respective countries and wait to enter legally.
Opponents of the bill fear the government would be rewarding people who enter our borders illegally.
Most analysts believe Rubio’s onslaught of media attention is due to his presumed candidacy for the Republican nomination in 2016 — an election the Floridian senator denies even considering yet.
America has finally seen an agreement in Congress — something feared to have gone extinct with the do-do bird and the floppy disk.
Yes, this is a huge step forward in future bipartisan relations in Congress — something desperately needed — but at the end of the day, even when Congress agrees, it can’t agree on to what extent it agrees.
