The recent Carnival Cruise Lines engine fire that left 4,200 passengers and crew members drifting in the Gulf spurred me to a realization: I never, ever want to set foot on a cruise ship.
I’ve never been on a cruise. The cheesy formal dinners, piano music and canned smiles just aren’t something my family or I enjoy.
Plus, there’s something odd about the idea that all the comforts of a midsize American town can be found in the middle of the sea, especially when this town is powered by a single engine with a barely functional backup plan.
I’m just going to hazard a guess that most of you would prefer spending your spring break with your feet firmly planted on terra firma, gazing out upon the sparkling Gulf instead of stuck inside a 15-story drifting Porta-Potty.
I mean, who wants to spend their vacation stranded in the middle of the ocean on a boat with no means of self-propulsion or sewage treatment in case of emergency?
We’re talking biggest oversight since the Titanic here. At least everyone returned to shore this time, unlike the 1912 tragedy.
There have been similar capsizing, torpedoing and collision incidences since, but the Triumph should be a catalyst for changes in cruise line safety. Certainly mainstream media latched onto and hyped the entire five-day ordeal enough for people to become passionate.
Maybe instead of promoting cruise ship safety and spending the millions of dollars fixing the ship, Carnival could spin the Triumph as a “Survivor”-esque vacation to get to the roots of familial hardship.
Carnival’s PR department could design pamphlets for couples and family therapists to display in their waiting rooms.
“Experiencing a technology-soaked home life? Want to get away from it all and get to know your fellow vacationers on a deeper level? Join us in the sunny Gulf of Mexico for a four-day, off-the-grid cruise. Bond with your fellow passengers in a never-before-seen manner over gourmet ketchup sandwiches and stale water!”
It could be a four-day immersive dive into strengths and weaknesses of character and past wrongs, and the crew could lead team-building exercises such as “Make Sure the Pregnant Woman has Water” and “Endure the Stench.”
Instead of “Survivor”’s voting people off the island, you could vote entire families – ones not acting like a cohesive unit – below decks, where the stink is greatest and ventilation least.
This could spur a whole new side to family vacation intensity. Instead of the summerlong roadtrip with angsty teenagers, a short cruise could be the new desirable option. This way, Dad doesn’t have to drive, and Mom doesn’t have to navigate.
This could drive vacation expenses way down as well, and we all know that money matters.
By the end, like the movies, everyone will have reached a deeper understanding of themselves and their family members.
Onboard fires similar to Carnival’s have happened with surprising regularity on other cruises, according to CNN, so this could be expanded to other lines with ease.
Just make sure you know how to swim, because something else could go wrong, and then you’d be stuck in a lifeboat for days.
But hey, what better way to pass the time than listening to your great-uncle’s stories about his childhood?
