In honor of the world’s most-complained about holiday, here are a few tech-related Valentine’s Day gift ideas:
1. The $9,600 Smartphone
What better way to tell your significant other “I love you” than to spend thousands of dollars on a phone no one in the history of the world has needed?
On Feb. 12, Vertu, a company known for releasing absurdly adorned phones at ludicrous prices, revealed the Vertu Ti: an Android smartphone that costs almost $10,000.
While the phone’s internals are less than impressive (1.7GHz dual-core processor, Android Ice Cream Sandwich, 64GB of storage, NFC), it features a titanium case and sapphire-crystal screen, both of which are incredibly durable.
The titanium doesn’t flex more than 1mm when a 500 Newton force is applied and the screen was tested with a 110g ball bearing, making it four times stronger than traditional screens, according to Vertu’s website. An 8-megapixel rear-facing camera and 1.2-megapixel front-facing camera complete this Lamborghini of a phone.
This is all clad in leather because if you’re spending $9,600 on a phone, it’s going to look good, dammit. Each one is hand-crafted in England and is signed by the individual craftsman.
The London Symphony Orchestra also provides musical punctuations when operating the Ti. Because why wouldn’t I want an E major chord played by the world’s most recorded orchestra to accompany tweeting?
But if $9,600 isn’t expensive enough for your lover, you could try the $11,500 “Pure Black” model, featuring the exact same processor, cameras and storage space with slightly more expensive building materials.
For true Rockerfellers, there’s either the $12,800 “Black Alligator” option or the $19,900 “Titanium Red Gold Mixed Metals” version.
Obviously, you don’t truly love someone unless you drop what equates to a house down payment on an outdated phone.
2. Heart-shaped Headphone Splitter
Remember the days before iPhones, when having a headphone splitter made you the cool kid on the bus because you could share your music with a friend?
Neither do I, but apparently Décor Craft Inc. does.
This plastic accessory turns one headphone jack into two, making sure you and your loved one can listen to Justin Bieber’s “Beauty And A Beat” without a loss in sound quality.
The day is saved.
3. Find My Friends
Released in 2011, this controversial iPhone app lets users know the exact geographical location of their friends, as long as the other party accepts the invitation.
What’s more of a turn on than knowing where your loved one is at all times? You could watch them at work, watch them when they use the bathroom, watch them when they eat lunch, watch them when they go back to work, watch them when they drive home, watch them when they walk in the door and watch them while they sleep.
You’ll be watching them every waking moment of your life, or until the other person switches phones or fakes his or her own death to escape your helicopter presence.
4. Vibease
Let’s face it: the Internet and sex are two of the most popular things in the world, so a combination was inevitable.
Thus, the Vibease was born. Part smartphone app, part bluetooth-capable personal massager, this handy duo proves technology can improve even the simplest of tasks.
Users can personalize massages with different vibration strengths and patterns within the app, which works on any smartphone connected to the Internet. That means you can still feel your significant other’s presence even while he or she is out of the house.
The app also has a video chat feature, because why wouldn’t you want to see the other end of whoever’s controlling your “massage?”
Unfortunately, the Vibease is only available for pre-order right now, but the devices are expected to ship in April 2013.
5. 3DEA
Remember when I said technology and sex would only naturally come together? The offspring of such a marriage can be…odd.
If standard sex toys are too boring for you, there’s hope: 3DEA, a 3D-printing company holds events in New York City where it will scan any body part you wish (yes, any body part) and creates a dishwasher-safe (phew) replica for use.
You won’t just get the lovely body scan either — for the base price of $399, 3DEA will set you up in a nice hotel with wine, chocolate and a nice robe to relax in. They’ll treat you right, don’t worry.
Then employees will use 3D imaging technology to digitally recreate your privates.
Unfortunately, the deadline has passed to get these toys in for Valentine’s Day (duh.) But hey, there’s always next year.
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That’s all the news for this week! Make sure to check back every Monday and Thursday for the latest and greatest in tech.
