Are you living with a lethal pussy?
Cats. Yes, cats, could be the most killer species in the US.
Cats are estimated to kill between 1.4 and 3.7 billion birds annually in the US, according to Nature Communications. The feisty felines are also responsible for an estimated seven to 20 billion mammal deaths annually.
To sum it up, cats kill 18 China’s worth of animals every year.
I’ve known about the dangers of cats for quite some time now. A kitten moved into my apartment almost 10 months ago and has yet to pay rent, let alone utilities, which we agreed to split evenly.
His name is James and he weighs 13 pounds. He is all black, except for a faint white patch on his belly, which he had done last week at the salon. He’s going for the Mitt Romney touch of grey, for pizzaz reasons.
His favorite thing to do is bite. Some cats like to snuggle, others like to eat. James likes both of those things, but not as much as killing.
If he were human, he’d be in the Manson family.
I also suspect his tail may have Parkinson’s, because even if he’s sleeping, his tail is twitching all over the place. This phenomenon spawned one of his many nicknames, Michael James Fox.
I thought he was going to be a great cat. But if I had to pick one word to describe him, it’d be “gangster.”
Normally, if a cat bites you, and you pop them on the head and tell them no, they won’t do it again. But James, being so damn gangster, goes tick for tack. If I pop him, he bites back twice as hard. Which created another nickname, Evander Holyjames.
So what do I have to say about cats killing billions of animals each year and decimating American wildlife? The bastards are just getting started.
I started being suspicious of James a few months after he moved in. He’d be gone all night, dressed entirely in black, adhering to Jay-Z’s principles. I warned him about street life and the dangers of “the game,” but he just didn’t listen.
I began to notice lye burns on his arms, and he was always cut up and bruised. I wondered if he was being abused by his ex-wife, Roxy, from whom he is estranged.
Turns out James up and joined a fight club. I only discovered this after I found Brad Pitt in my kitchen, peeing in my soup. James thought it was hilarious.
Don’t be deceived by their soft purrs and seemingly nonchalant attitudes toward life. Nobody’s that laid back — use your heads.
They’re pushing downers and they’re up to something.
I think they mean to kill us all. James keeps talking about gathering recruits and taking off to rural Afghanistan for training and “purr-ification,” as if I know what that’s about.
Cats are sophisticated. They poop where they’re supposed to and wipe their own rectums. Sounds a lot like us, don’t you think?
So don’t give your cat a silly name like Mittens or Stinky, when they’re actually more of a Bernard or Socrates. Respect their intelligence.
They’ve been watching us for centuries, learning our habits, vices, what gets us all hot and bothered. They sit quietly in the shadows, or sometimes by the window, where the sun shines through.
Revenge is a dish best served cold — like tuna.
