Following his successful tenure as Student Government president at the University, John Woodard has announced plans to take over the head manager position at the Union’s disgraced McDonald’s restaurant amid accusations of theft at the fast food location.
At a news conference in the Paul M. Hebert Law Center this morning, Woodard said his major in finance and unrelenting friendliness were his two biggest assets going into the job.
“No one’s better than I am at laying on the cheese,” Woodard said after winking at a mostly confused audience.
When asked why he would make such a confounding career move, Woodard replied, “It just seemed like THE NEXT STEP,” and proceeded to lose his composure at the podium.
Woodard said he will refuse to wear a hair net while on duty.
“Students should be honored to have a follicular piece of my majestic coif fall into their McRib,” Woodard said.
Woodard, once in charge of management, said he plans to change all employees’ designations to “McDonald’s staff committee members,” and he hopes to make some infrastructure changes in the restaurant.
“Workplace safety is very important to me,” Woodard said. “I will go to unreasonable lengths to make sure there are emergency call boxes in the kitchen and better lighting installed.”
Woodard also said he plans to take charge of employee training at the McDonald’s. He said he will instruct every cashier to greet customers with a firm handshake, eye contact and the clear statement of both their first and last name.
Woodard said it was important for the restaurant to regain the students’ trust, and he outlined a plan to attract more customers.
“I will crudely don the disguise of a no-nonsense clown named “Johnald McDonald” who will harass patrons with the pressing concerns of the student body,” Woodard said. “After I’m done with them, they won’t just be hungry for patties — they will thirst for youth-driven change in the metropolitan area.”

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Ronald McWoodard