Nothing pricks my ears up like talk of dogs. 
I grew up surrounded by animals, but mostly of the canine variety. To me, they are the perfect animals. They, as my criticism professor said — and I am taking this entirely out of context — have a certain “dogness.”
I am certain of their superiority to humans.
Imagine being frozen for a century and waking to a dog-ruled utopia. Would you be surprised? Would you submit to their will? Because it seems a logical step in the world’s cultural landscape, considering Russian strays have taken to working the metro system for affection and food while I haven’t licked transit myself.
Also, my first dog, Darla, could yodel. Tell me that doesn’t say “meant for greatness.”
So to prepare you all who insist on treating human companions as the betters of dogs, I have a couple suggestions that might ease relations between us and the superior species.
The closest I get to a personal code of etiquette is affectionately greeting pets before people. I am so engrossed in finding and scratching a pup’s special spot that I lose all sense of decorum. This behavior is easy to rationalize — yes, even when you look at me like that, with confused eyes and arms still limply outstretched: people can wait because a pooch’s capacity for excitement and love surpasses any emotion in the human spectrum.
Play with the dogs for the same reason. Dog happiness has been proven an antidote to the effects of global warming, something that will contribute to future worldwide living conditions. With each pant, another polar bear gains an ice floe on which  to chill.
Dog abuse, of course, sends me into a slobbering rage. The sad part of visiting the local shelter is seeing the effect of abuse and neglect on an innocent animal. Unless you want your descendants to be at risk for persecution by our future canine world leaders, cut that out. They never forget.
Support their dreams, whether it be acting or policing or practicing their negotiating skills with the mailman. An adorable mutt named Bella, the most prominent pup in my life for the past year, loves to play tug-of-war. Bella doesn’t care about her toys — unless you touch them. She will exercise all of her will and jaw power to get it back, then drop it disinterestedly. I see her promising talent in politics.
Take them to the vet, and try to avoid tricking them into it. Teach your pup that there is no shame in receiving medical attention, so when they are truly top dog in inter-species relations, they will not hesitate to fund healthcare for all beings on Earth.
No matter how much they hound you, shoot down their dedication to table scraps, a gateway vice that has led to the downfall of so many young dogs with hopeful futures. Bella’s belly-showing may wear me down, but I will never give her a nibble.
Okay, maybe one nibble.
If you can’t imagine successful diplomatic relations with Canis lupus familiaris, be sure to emphasize hand-shaking, rolling over, and other rituals in your canine dealings. These will be the foundation for a new age.
Lastly, make sure to spay or neuter your dogs — and cats. Superior to humans or not, all animals deserve to live their lives without threat of starvation, neglect or weather-related misery, and they need us to make sure each one has a loving home.
In the year 3014, when this is brought out of my time capsule and read by the future inhabitants of Earth, they will know I tried to bring you humans around to the rightful, peaceful order. I might get a Nobel Peace Prize for my good behavior, way ahead of my time.
As for the rest of you, I hope you can accept the guidance and leadership of humanity’s best friend when they are ready to  take charge.
Samantha Bares is a 20-year-old English junior from Erath, La.